Normal is not an Option

I just picked up my kids from school.  I don’t know what they were mad about, but I was getting “the vibe.”  Those of you who parent wounded kids know what I’m talking about.  Sometimes, if you don’t deal with the subtle mad vibe, it gets louder and louder until you HAVE to deal with it.  So, I decided to cut it off at the pass this time and deal with it before it got any louder.

Immediately after arriving home (even though it’s a Friday, and that’s supposed to be more of a fun night), I had the kids get snack and then had them march back to their rooms, feelings journal in hand.

For those of you who don’t know what a feelings journal is….basically for us it is this: a regular, spiral notepad where I have them write down their feelings.  Sometimes I give them free reign and let them express whatever they want to.  Other times, I give them direction of how I want them to write.  For example, some times, I may have them write about why they are mad at me.  However, my kids would love to treat everything as if it really was all about things that I did.  So, I try to get them past that to acknowledge ways they are mad at other people, such as daddy, their teachers, the attachment therapist, birth parents, etc.  I also try to get them to look past the whole anger thing, because usually anger is a cover-up emotion for another emotion, such as sadness and hurt.  So, sometimes I have them write about why they are feeling afraid, sad or lonely.  Other times, I have them write about why they find it so hard to truly be happy.

I have found the feelings journal to be quite helpful.  My kids hate it.  But, I have observed that if they’ve gone more than a week without writing in it, I see the difference in their behavior.  Their anger comes out more and more.  They leak it everywhere in unacceptable behavior, unless they have the opportunity to get their feelings out in an acceptable way.  (And, even then we still get unacceptable behavior, but not to the same extent.)

I have even found the THREAT of the feelings journal has been a useful tool.  “Oh, sweetie.  Your behavior is telling me that you have a lot of angry/sad, etc. feelings to get out.  You can let me know that you really need to write in your feelings journal by continuing this behavior.”  Sometimes, that alone stops them in their tracks!  I get the look of sheer horror, along with a very enthusiastic, “NOPE!  I think I’m ok now, mom!”

When you’ve gone through as much abuse as my kids have, you are bound to feel angry.  Given the circumstances, this emotion is quite normal.  In fact, I would be concerned about them if they were NOT angry.  I am angry for them!  When they do not have the opportunity to get those emotions out, however, those emotions can and WILL seep out in unacceptable behaviors, both subtly and blatantly.  I have found that a combination of a good therapist (one who actually recognizes when the child is sharing just enough to stay unhealthy and not really getting to the core issues and being honest), time directly telling me and my husband how they are feeling (even though this is difficult for them, especially at first), and a feelings journal really help them to get these emotions out.

So many emotions, so little time!