Fun is No Longer Fun
Last night, after the dreaded feelings journal, two of my kiddos were able to get their feelings out enough to “pull it together.” My original plan to take them all swimming right after school got pushed back a few hours, and one kiddo just wasn’t willing to get the mad out enough to stop playing mind games. Bummer. (Our favorite word.)
So, after just having done a therapy session with two of my kids, I packed them all up, dropped the still-angry child off at my husband’s work for him to work more on his feelings journal, and headed off to have fun. We went out to eat, and then went over to the athletic club for some swimming.
At first, it was really fun. I was actually able to enjoy their company, which was so refreshing. They were being fun to be with, and it honestly was feeling a little bit like “normal” parenting. Unfortunately, this was short-lived. A short time into our swimming time, I notice that my daughter has been shooting me glares and “wrestling” with my son in the pool. This wasn’t your normal pool-fun wrestling, however, as I noticed that it started to include some pretending-to-play-but-I’m-really-mad drowning attempts and some pretty hard pinching. So, our fun trip to the pool had to include another therapy session as my daughter and I swam up and down the pool, trying to get to the bottom of why she was so angry. She mentioned a few things, but I knew there was still more. Then it hit me. I was planning to take her brother (the one she was attempting to drown) to a Superchic[k] concert later that week as part of his birthday present, because his birthday was the day after the concert. Ah ha. The old jealousy monster was rearing it’s ugly head once again.
As an aside, we deal with the jealousy monster on a daily basis, like I’m sure most families do. When you deal with kids whose early deprivation and abuse has left gaping holes in their hearts, however, you will deal with the jealousy monster way more than you do with healthy kids. Their early wounds leave them feeling like no amount of anything (attention, praise, encouragement, stuff, etc.) is ever enough. No matter how much attention you give them, they are insatiable. So, when you give a compliment to one child, you have two others freaking out that you did not give THEM a compliment. I will say to one child, “Good job on your homework!” Immediately, I have at least one child saying, “What about me, mommy? Look at what I did! Did I do a good job mommy?” and practically running me over trying to get me to give THEM a compliment. Giving a hug to one child will send the others into an angry downward spiral, just because THEY weren’t the one who got the hug at that moment (even though you may have given them one moments before). It’s just the nature of the beast (pardon the pun).
Back to the pool….Here is my daughter, the one I took to Seattle (without her brothers, mind you) only the week before for an overnight fun trip, completely ready to kill her brother because he is getting to go with me to a one-night concert. And she is VERY angry with me. Probably would have made the drowning attempts on me, except she knows I’m bigger than her. We’re talking out and out rage. Hatred. All because she doesn’t always get to be the special one (On that note: just wait ‘til we talk about birthdays….birthdays are just a BLAST around the house when you have multiple wounded children. Note the sarcasm.)
I’m learning that, when you are the parent of a wounded child, fun isn’t usually fun anymore. At the very least, fun outings become a great source of anxiety for wounded children. My still-angry child who missed the trip to the pool tries so hard to sabotage any fun due to his anxiety. Fun is just too much for him to handle. I find that, even in the midst of fun, wounded children are still wounded. Most days for us include “therapy.” I can’t seem to get away from it, even when we are supposed to be having fun. Moment by moment, these children are dealing with emotions much to big for them to deal with on their own. So, in the midst of a pool party, I am helping a child work through her anger and jealousy. It is just a normal part of my everyday life to have to say many times throughout the day, “What are you mad about now?” or “Use your words.”
