Parents Are Coming To Town
My parents are coming into town tomorrow from Wisconsin. I miss them, so I’m really excited for their visit. I’m getting ready for their arrival. You know….. The normal getting-ready-for-company routine. Cleaning the 
house, making sure there are fresh sheets on the guest bed, getting the fridge stocked up, and making sure they have access to non-peed-on toilet paper (one of my children decided to pee on the toilet paper inside the package under the sink). Ok. Maybe not all of the “normal” preps. But normal for us.
I’m also preparing myself emotionally. Having others in the house is tough for my kiddos. Even if it’s during a time that they don’t get my attention anyway, like bedtime, they perceive others getting my attention as a direct assault and a complete rejection of them. How dare I give someone else even a small portion of my attention? The nerve!! ”You must not love me if you are giving some of your attention to someone else at this moment,” seems to be their thought process.
When my brother visited from Wisconsin in December, my newest boy shot him constant darts from his eyes and gave him the surliest replies he could. It was war! My son was so mad that someone else was there. Luckily, my brother thought it was funny.
This constant desire for attention has become so much less than it used to be. As my kids have healed, I have seen a huge improvement in the non-stop demand for attention (a typical behavior of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder). When they first moved in, it was literally non-stop. Picking up the phone sent them into a downward spiral. Going to the bathroom created utter panic. Having friends over meant a week of more difficult behavior. In fact, one of our good friends reminded us a while ago about how tough it was to have a conversation in the beginning. The senseless questions, breaking things, loud obnoxiousness would ensue the moment our attention went elsewhere. My kids have come a long way.
Up until recently, even a trip to the coffee shop with a friend would set them off. I’d have at least a whole weekend of “payback,” just for being gone for 2 hours. It sometimes didn’t even feel worth the time I’d spent getting refreshed, because the payback felt WAY worse than having the break. So, for a while I just stayed home and allowed myself to get completely burnt out. (Hence the adrenal fatigue…) I used to feel like my life was completely trapped by my kids’ payback. There didn’t seem to be any way to get away from it.
Our therapist has been amazing at giving me ways to work through this issue, and I have learned ways to keep the payback from bothering me, as well. One thing that our therapist told me to tell the kids was, “Oh, sweetie. I can tell that you need more practice at me being away. I like giving my kiddos what they need, so I’m going to make sure that I schedule more times for me to be gone so you can have practice.” It really worked!! I have also gotten to the place where I say, “I would really love to spend time with you, but if you insist on acting out your anger instead of talking about it you will have to do that from your room!” Before I go, I sometimes insist that they plan out their payback while I’m gone. Sometimes just giving them permission to pay me back and making it a funny thing has diffused them. Sometimes I have them write in their feelings journal, because they aren’t willing to talk about it. (Did I mention how much they LOVE their feelings journal….bwahaahaa!)
It has been hard, but I am learning more and more not to take their behaviors personally. I still have a long way to go. I don’t think anyone likes to be completely rejected by anyone…even a child. But I’m learning that I can’t make these children not be angry. As our therapist says, “These kids are best friends with their anger.” I am learning ways to deal with it, so that it doesn’t take me down with them. And, hopefully, I can eventually help pull them up out of their anger and help them learn how to deal with it in a way that will actually help them be healthier than most adults out there!! My kids are going to be emotionally and relationally brilliant someday! I just know it!
