Major Breakthrough!!
Today was a short day for school, so basically my newest son only had two hours of tutoring and then I brought him back home. He has been kicked out of the regular classroom, because his behaviors were getting so out of control.
To say I was less than thrilled about having to go and get him at 11 AM would be an understatement. This child has controlled so much of my time and energy with his antics, and this felt like another way he was in control of my time. I didn’t like it.
To say that HE was less than thrilled about being with me would be an understatement, as well. Lately he has been playing up the “I like daddy, but I HATE you with a passion.” I get nothing but glares. He acts out toward both of us, but seems to reserve his displays of extreme rage for me. So, needless to say, he was NOT happy.
The entire time he was home he played his little, constant mind games. Finally, I pulled him into my lap. ”What’s going on, bud?” I asked. After getting out the normal, “I hate you,” several times, he started listing off things. ”I’m mad that grandma and grandpa are coming.” Yea, and what else? ”I’m mad I ruined my chances to play the Wii for the week.” Yea, and what else? ”I’m mad because we haven’t gone on a big trip in a long time.” (My husband just took them all to Seattle a few weeks ago.) ”You can sit here and continue to give me fluff, or you can start being real and actually deal with what is going on,” I told him. I was pushing for honest. I wasn’t expecting the amount of honesty I got.
To make a long story short, our conversation ended up going like this. ”You seem to keep going back to angry. I know that’s more comfortable for you…..what do you think the angry is covering up? Hurt? Sadness? Fear?” ”Fear,” he stated. ”What are you so afraid of?” I asked. ”I’m afraid that if I let myself not be angry, you will find out the things that have happened to me. Then I’ll be out another family and no one else will want me.” Wow. I could tell that he was starting to feel safer with us. That was scary, because he knew that the safer he felt, the more that the old hurts were coming to the surface and that he would end up sharing them. And he felt so ashamed of those things that he just knew we wouldn’t love him after that.
I reassured him of my love, no matter what he had done or someone had done to him, but I know that words are hard to believe for a wounded child. I can only hope that, in time, he will choose to share those secrets that hold him down with pain and fear. I want my child to be free. I think we got closer to that today.
I so appreciate you sharing your stories! Our attachment therapist asked our son (5yo) this week what he thinks will happen when he’s bad and he said “I’ll go back!” To the orphanage. That’s what he thinks. That we’ll send him back.
Awesome Jennie! I’m so happy for you both! Tough work ahead but you guys are getting through to him!
Wow. That is amazing! You did a great job helping him work through to the real issue – he is being incredibly difficult to keep you at a distance because he is afraid of loving you too much. Everyone he has loved has let him down and abandoned him. You are such a great Mom!!
How sad that these children are so afraid of truly letting people in, because they are afraid of the rejection. I suppose it can be true of all of us. “If people REALLY knew me, they wouldn’t like me.” But to be afraid of being sent away (like back to the orphanage)….how sad!!
Thanks for all of the encouragement! I am so happy to be getting down to some real issues with him. Although he got scared after having such a real and honest conversation, so afterward he pushed back even harder. I told him that whatever he needed to do to feel safe was ok and that I pretty much expected a conversation like that to trigger “payback” behaviors. Someday those behaviors will be gone, right?
Congratulations on the break through… Wow.
My youngest son and I just finalized, he is 12. He has said almost the same thing a number of times. If I knew how bad he was, I would never want him. Pointing out that his older brothers (adopted) all had very serious issues that they deal with didn’t cut it.
Finalization was a biggie for him. I pointed out that now, there is no back to send him to. The judge asked three questions of me, each was about accepting and raising my son as “…my Natural son, as though he was born to me.” Tyler got that, he really didn’t think I would finalize until the judge said “The Order of Adoption is signed.” What a large difference in him. He initiates hugs now, and he simply wants to be close. Tyler has RAD, it is challenging, but rewarding too, and doors are opening.