Gotta Love the Jabs
My husband and I came home Sunday after a weekend away with each other. Aside from spending most of the time dealing with having our car break down, it was a somewhat relaxing weekend. I was able to spend some uninterrupted time with my husband and the new puppy (don’t tell the kids I took him with me and didn’t take them!), and got a few movies in. I loved it.
Our kids have come a long way in their responses to us coming home. It used to be, when we’d go anywhere without them for any length of time, they would work very hard to pay us (and by “us” I mean me) back for “abandoning” them. One weekend away would equal two weeks of payback. Jabs galore, along with glares, acting out, and all sorts of “fun” always came after a relaxing time away from the kids. In the beginning, it never seemed worth the time away. I would literally get a knot in my stomach the closer to town we got because I knew we’d be picking up the kids and the punishment would begin. Now, we still get some of the same responses from the kids….not as bad, but still some attempts to jab and make us pay for leaving them. I’ve just gotten used to it – somewhat.
It may sound crazy that a grown woman, who is emotionally stable, confident, and capable, would be so tied up in knots about emotional barbs coming from three little children. You would think it would be easy to brush their words and looks off and recognize that the kids throw out the barbs because of their own pain and fear of rejection. I know this. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes I do well with the constant put-downs from them because I know that the kids are just hurting and it’s a defense mechanism for them. I get it. But sometimes I just get tired of the put-downs and jabs because they just keep coming. After a while, you feel a bit beat up. This weekend was one of those times when the few little put downs I got (in comparison to what it used to be like) were really hard to brush off. Part of it was because I’d just come off of a busy week and part of it was because the weekend had been somewhat stressful with the car breaking down and my husband having to work part of the weekend. But, after picking up the kids and having them say, in their surliest voices, things like “WE had FUN this weekend” (AKA: ”WE had FUN without YOU”), I found myself later on that day crying my eyes to my sis-in-law and mom-in-law. (My husband’s response to the kids at the time of the “attack” was, “Hmm….you wanna just take a knife and stab mom in the back instead?” He also made them come up with a few more jabs, so they’d have more practice coming up with good ones. You know…we like for our kids to be good at whatever they do. We’re just looking out for their best interest.)
Something about what abused kids go through makes them experts at finding your weak spots. They can spot them a mile away, and they go for the jugular over and over again. You get annoyed with senseless questions and noise? That’s exactly what they’ll do. Your feelings get hurt when they make it clear you are NOT a good mom and can NOT take care of them…they will work hard to push that button more times than you’d ever care to have it pushed. Feel insecure about your weight? They will hit that button over and over. They are master manipulators, and they work hard to push you away at any cost. And, unless you are completely a robot, it is next to impossible to always stay strong and not let their tactics get to you.
I get many different responses from people when I try to explain what it’s like living with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. One of my favorite comebacks is, “But they’re JUST kids,” as if them being children should make it so that you don’t get your feelings hurt or get bothered by their antics. True. They are “just kids.” But not the cherubs most people picture, and certainly not the cherub that the children present to the world outside. What these children have been through has taken away their innocence, and what we normally associate with children. They have been wounded, hardened. And their thinking is completely a dog-eat-dog world way of looking at things.
Encourage a mom of a RAD child. She’s getting emotionally beat up (and sometimes physically). She may not have the bruises to prove it, but she’s certainly getting the jabs.
