Normal is not an Option

Mommy shopping.  One of the joys of parenting wounded children.  For these kids, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the the other side.  That’s the way all of us think from time to time, but for these kids this way of thinking becomes a way of life.  No matter who they live with, they are always looking for someone better.

“What is mommy shopping?” you ask.  Basically, when a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder has fun with anyone besides mom, they tend to begin fantasizing about what it would be like if that person was their mom.  And….usually their current mom doesn’t stack up against their fantasy about what it would be like to live with this other person.  Their adoptive mom could be the most amazing person on the planet.  It just doesn’t matter.  It’s more about defense mechanisms and faulty thinking than reality.  Another way to keep their family at a distance when they start to get too close. 

When I’ve asked my kids to finish the sentence “If ______was my mom….” they usually finish it with ideas like, “….I wouldn’t ever have to do chores,” or “…they wouldn’t make me clean my room,” or “….they would give me way more attention than you do.”  Their fantasies have no grounding in reality.  They just haven’t had enough of an understanding of how things work in families.  They don’t get the fact that every family has issues.  Every family member must work in some way.  Every mom and dad must pay bills.  Moms and dads simply cannot give every waking moment to dote over their child.  No family would be good enough, let alone “perfect” by their standards.

When my daughter first lived with us, anywhere I took her she would try to leave me and go talk to any and every female in the room.  I’d take her swimming to have fun…she’d be over in the hot tub trying to get the attention of some unsuspecting woman.  Even after a year of living with us, I took her out to eat to have some fun, one-on-one mother-daughter time.  She spent the entire time watching a young family with complete yearning in her eyes.  Wouldn’t even look at me.  Wouldn’t talk to me.  I finally told her, “My darling daughter.  You look at that family with longing, as if your life would be complete if you could just be a part of THAT family.  Yet, you have a family right here who loves you that you completely push us away.  It wouldn’t matter what family you were in….you would never be content.  And you won’t be content, until you start allowing love to come in without trying to find it in every place you can’t get it from.” 

It takes a while to get rid of “mommy shopping.”  And it seems to pop up from time to time, as well.  This past Christmas break, after 2 years of living with us, my daughter went with a friend and her mom twice to do something fun.  When she came back from the second  time, she was beside herself wailing.  It took me two hours to calm her down.  When she started to be honest with what was going on, I (once again) had her finish the sentence.  ”If _____ were my mom….”  Her finish to the sentence?  ”….she would take me shopping every day.”  She honestly thought that because this family went shopping the two times she she was with them, that they did it EVERY single day.  Three year old thinking in a 12 year old body.

My daughter just spent last weekend with grandma, as well as some time with her aunt.  She had a blast, as she should with her extended family.  It was a fun weekend.  We set it up to be that way.  But, a week after picking her up, I could tell that all was not well.  I could tell that she had been doing some subtle “mommy shopping.”  Luckily, she has an amazing grandma and aunt, who, once they knew what she was thinking, were able to dispel the false thinking and explain that things would be the same if she lived with them (yes, she WOULD have to do chores and NO they would NOT take her shopping every day).  They both reinforced how much I love her and how good of a mom she already has.  That really helped.  Besides that, I made it clear that I will be her mom for the rest of her life.  Even if she found someone she liked better than me, she’s stuck with me….like it or not.  

Wounded children live with many fallacies in their thinking.  This is why they so difficult to parent and why therapy can be such an amazing help in their healing process.  This whole “the grass is always greener” way of thinking can mess with them so many times.  Part of our job is to help them get past this illogical way of thinking and living.  And, as hard as it is, don’t take the “mommy shopping” personally.  You could be June Cleaver and this child would be looking elsewhere.  It takes time.  A long time.  Don’t give up, and know that you are not doing something wrong when they start to do this.  It probably means you’re doing something right….you’re getting closer to their heart.