Normal is not an Option

On the day after Mother’s Day, I guess it’s only fitting that I have a slight breakdown today and decide that I don’t feel like being a mom today.  Especially the mom of three wounded kids.  I just don’t.  I keep trying to psych myself up for it.  Not working.

I think part of it simply is because I had a break…and it felt good.  My husband and I went camping alone for the weekend, and I really relaxed.  No children screaming for my attention.  No pee shrines.  Only us – out in nature (and, his mom’s camping trailer, where we actually watched some movies, too).  Sometimes after a break I find it hard to go back into the mess.  It’s nice not to have to conduct multiple “therapy sessions” per day per child.  It’s nice for a while not to have to deal with all of their insecurities and fears.  But, then the break concludes, and I must go back into the muck.  And, the muck tends to be worse after we have had a break….my children’s anger over being “abandoned” for the weekend makes me uncertain of what kind of reception I will come home to.

Part of my breakdown also stems from earlier this week.  I felt very overwhelmed in therapy, and I think it took me a while to even realize it.  Not really prepared for even one intense session, and I got two of them (and then a third child who completely shut down and refused to talk altogether).  And they things the two shared were doozies.  Found out more than I ever wanted to know about my kids, what they are doing, how they think, and what they want to do.  You know….one of those sessions.  One where you walk out going, “Hmmmm…not sure what to do with that one.”  One that you feel the need to get a therapist for YOU afterwards, just to figure out how to process through all of the junk you just heard.

I find myself a little grossed out right now by my kids’ behavior and thought processes.  Normally I can take it, but it has just been a little too much too often lately.  Perhaps because they are just sharing more now, because of where things are at in therapy.  Either way, I find myself not quite sure how to continue giving them unconditional love right now.  I want space.  I don’t want to deal with sexual issues, bodily function issues, wanting to kill my new puppy, a constant need for supervision and a constant desire for attention.  It’s all a bit much for me right now.  I’m starting to feel burnt out…not as much as I was before, but I guess just burnt out on dealing with extreme issues.  I wish that part was over.  When do we get to the fun stuff?  Will we ever?

Today I found myself trying to figure out how to handle it all, when I was reminded of some old lessons I’ve learned while chatting with a friend today.  Something I’ve learned before but keep forgetting.  She asked me how I got out of my extreme funk last year, when I was completely and utterly burnt out.  I told her that I pretty much ended up sending my kids to the day camp at the Boys and Girls Club almost every day, thinking that would help.  Then, ONE week before school started, I realized, “Shoot!  I only have one more week of this extended schedule with a few more hours away from my kids.  Then school starts and it’s back to the normal schedule.”  I realized I wasn’t ready for it, and I also realized that I needed to do something drastic to change that.  So, what did I do?  I spent the entire week on me.  The entire time that the kids were at day camp, I went out with friends, listened to music, read books, sipped coffee.  Took life easy and took extreme care of myself.  And, after only one week, my husband declared he’d seen an entire 180 degree turnaround.  I went from complete burnout, where I didn’t even want to look at my kids, to being able to give and love again.  It was that obvious and that fast.  

So, what did I learn from that experience?  (And, what is it that I keep forgetting?)  I MUST take care of myself.  If I don’t, I will not be able to parent my children in the way I need to.  They need extreme measures of love, forgiveness, mercy, healing, and nurture.  I must give myself extreme measures of those same things in order to give them what they need.  And, frequently…I don’t.

Sometimes I don’t care for myself the way I need to, because, quite honestly, it feels selfish.  I look around.  I have several stacks of paperwork that needs to be done, mostly for my kids.  I have a master bathroom half done that needs for me to paint it in order to get it fully working (which, by the way, will be so wonderful…I won’t have to bring my toiletries back and forth from our only bathroom – just like I did in college – so that nothing gets peed in or stolen!  Yah!).  I have calls to make.  I have schedules to get ready for the summer.  I have so many things to do.  However, if I don’t take care of the one commodity that can help my kids heal – me – I won’t be accomplishing much, no matter how much of that I get done.  

But, too often, I let guilt get in the way of what I really need to do.  Guilt that my husband is working hard to provide for our family.  How dare I give myself a pedicure while he’s away at work?

We MUST take time to stop and smell the roses.  Sometimes, after smelling so much urine and poop for so long, we start to forget that roses are even out there.  We have to do those things that keep us connected to the beautiful side of humanity, rather than the utter depravity we experience every day.  We must connect with God.  Listen to music.  Watch a breathtaking view.  Stop and talk to a friend.  Read a book.  Whatever it is that fills you up.  Make sure you do something today that fills YOU up.  After all, junior can stay in his room for 30 minutes while mom unwinds.  It’s OK.

We as moms (and dads) of wounded kids MUST take extreme measures to take care of ourselves, so that we can help our kids heal.  That may mean using more of our budget to do things that to the outside world look like frivolous things, then we must.  For families with wounded kids….they “frivolous” things are absolutely necessary for survival.  So, don’t feel guilty if you NEED to get a massage every week or a manicure.  That sounds selfish and silly, but…it is NOT.  Take good care of yourself.  These kiddos needs for you to help them heal.  And, without you (and without you being sane and refreshed)….that won’t happen.

And, for those of you who know someone parenting a wounded kiddo….give her (or him) understanding when she needs to pamper herself a little more than the average person.  Perhaps you can even facilitate some pampering for her….