You Hate Me….
Wednesday was therapy day. That means a 2 1/2 hour drive into Spokane and then 3 hours in a row of intense therapy sessions. A very long day for me…and very emotionally tiring. 
Usually the day after you can find me sitting on the couch…staring comatose at a speck on the wall. (You should try it sometime…very entertaining.)
During one of the sessions, my son looked up at me and told me, “You hate me….you just don’t want to deal with me.” My response? ”Really? You think I’d drive 2 1/2 hours away, go through this long of a therapy session with you, and drive back if I didn’t love you or want to deal with you? Trust me…this is the last thing I’d be doing if I didn’t love you!” The therapist also reminded him that he was sitting in my lap at the moment of this declaration.
I have found that this faulty way of thinking permeates everything wounded kids do. They come into your home thinking that they are not loved. Their past has taught them this very well. No matter what you do, they are trying to prove that this is the case, simply because it’s what they already believe. And they work hard to prove that you don’t love them.
I have had a child look at me, ask me a question for which they knew the answer would be “no,” and then, once they get that expected answer, walk off dejected. You can almost hear in their demeanor…”See. I knew she didn’t love me.” (They also do this when they’re just mad at you for breathing and they want to find some legitimate thing to be mad at you for…I tell my kids that they are welcome to be mad at me for no reason. They don’t even have to work that hard to come up with a one! Just be mad!)
Sometimes, when I am helping my children deal with this whole anger/you-hate-me issue, part of me is thinking, “Are you serious? Really?” Children with RAD have so much rage and anger that they pretty much get mad at anything and everything. And everything you do is reason for them to believe that you do not love them. You went for a walk = You hate me and now I’m angry with you. You went out for coffee with a friend = You hate me and now I’m angry with you. You answered the phone = You hate me and now I’m angry with you. You made me do a chore = (you guessed it) You hate me and now I’m angry with you. I find that it almost becomes comical at times the types of things that these children become angry with. I’ve discovered that pretty much any and everything I do makes my children mad. I’m evidently really good at it. It’s a talent I never knew I had before having children in my home with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
This used to bother me so much. No matter what I did, my children got angry and assumed that I didn’t love them. And I used to get frustrated with the daily need for the question, “Ok…so what are you mad about? Use your words!” Now I just figure that I WILL be making my children mad throughout the day. And, no matter what, they WILL assume I don’t love them. I might as well just go about my day and have fun, knowing that they are going to be angry and hurt no matter what. I can’t control what they get angry and hurt about. They came to me that way. All I can do is love them anyway. And sometimes now I even decide that I might as well even make their anger fun for me. (It’s sick, I know. But, when you’re dealing with it day in and day out, you find sick and twisted ways of coping.)
On this particular day, when my child told me that he thought I hated him, I said, “You know what? That makes me really angry! If I have company over, you think I hate you. When I get ready in the morning instead of pay non-stop attention to you…you think I hate you. I do ANYTHING and you think I hate you. You have made it completely impossible for me to love you according to your standards. You have this huge list of things that I must do in order for you to feel loved, and no one would be able to live up to your standards. And, quite honestly it’s only because you want to keep my love at a distance. It’s not fair.”
I don’t know if any of my words got through. But they needed to be said. I DO love my children – very much. Quite honestly, if I didn’t I would have left them on the doorstep of some unsuspecting person – or along the highway on the way to therapy – a long time ago. Just the fact that they are still in my house and are still living is a huge monument to my love for them. Not to mention the healthy meals I prepare for them, the countless hours I spend trying to find programs to help them heal, the fun activities I plan for them. One day, I pray that my love will be able to seep into their hearts. One day.
Still praying!