Normal is not an Option

I know this may sound crazy, but sometimes when I get the most burnt out with my kids it’s because of my compassion.  I begin to take their behavior personally in several ways, and then start to resent their poor choices.

First of all, sometimes I feel like there must be more that I could be doing to help them.  While I think, no matter what, it is always possible to do more, with wounded children it doesn’t really depend on how much or how little the mom does.  Whether or not they heal has a large part to do with their choice to want to heal.  But I still always feel guilty that I’m  not doing enough.

The other way I get burnt out is that I begin to get angry with how much they are missing out.  I want for them to be doing well.  I want a good life for them.  Yet, I get frustrated because, regardless of the consequences they receive, they continue making poor choices over and over and over again.  I want fun, laughter, hope, love….you know.  The best in life.  I want for them to rise above the abuse they’ve endured.  Most of the time, I want it way more than they do, and that makes me sad.  And angry.  And frustrated.

And sometimes, when I am wanting so much more for them…I find myself connecting too much to them.  Let me explain.  When giving a consequence to a wounded child, the best way to do it is with empathy.  ”Wow…I am really bummed for you that you have to do this.”  But, when my compassion passes over a line, I get way too emotionally involved.  I don’t want to have to give this consequence.  I see how much they are messing up their own lives.  And, I find myself getting angry instead of showing empathy, just because I really want for them to stop doing whatever it is they are doing, so they can have good things.  My compassion in wanting the good thing way more than they do causes me to loose perspective and cut off their learning opportunity.  I become angry, and that’s all they see.  They don’t learn from their mistake…they just blame me because I got angry.

Even when I am in the middle of feeling so completely burnt out by my kids’ behavior that I don’t even want to see their smiling faces (let alone their angry ones), I have to remind myself of one thing.  It is not my children that I dislike.  I love them very much, and I want the best for them.  No….it is their behavior and choices that I absolutely despise.  And I despise their behavior because of the damage I see it doing to them.  I hate how much they miss out in life.

While I would absolutely LOVE being able to teach my kids the fun stuff in parenting (like how to be a good friend and what their strengths and talents are).  I’d love to be cheering them on at Little League, going to their soccer games, and, well….you know.  The fun, healthy, normal kid stuff that we enjoy seeing our kids excel at.  Instead, I’m cheering them on with, “Good job talking about how much you hate me in your feelings journal!  Way to be honest!!”  ”I love it how you talked about your feelings, instead of acting them out!”  or “Good job not stealing today!  Way to go!”

I know that my kids did not cause the damage done to their brains through neglect, abuse, and abandonment; however, they are the ones who must deal with the consequences.  (Along with my husband and I).  I just hope that they can process through their abuse in time to lead healthy, successful lives.  And, maybe that looks different for wounded kids.  Either way, I have to in some ways distance myself from their behavior and consequences.  I have to understand that I did NOT do this to them and that there’s only so much I can do to help them.  The rest is up to them.  And, I have to keep my heart in check and realize that keeping this boundary in place helps me to be a better parent to this wounded child.  I feel badly that they keep missing out; however, I cannot make them choose what is good for them.  And that’s ok.