I Don’t Have to LIKE my Child…I Just have to LOVE them!
I made a realization today. It came in the middle of my hour and 1/2 with my son during the school day. (You know, the time he stays home because he got kicked out of his regular school program.) My son is stuck right now, and today he was making every effort today to try my patience….and then some! When he gets in this I-want-to-make-your-life-as-miserable-as-possible-and-do-whatever-I-can-to-get-kicked-out-of-the-family mode, he is not at all fun to be around. In fact, he’s downright mean. It’s hard to really love him or want to be around him, let alone like him.
But my realization today was very freeing. I don’t HAVE to like him. In fact, I don’t know of too many people who would like this child if he treated them the way he treats my husband and me. He is not fun to be around….at all. So, I don’t have to like him…I just have to LOVE him.
I know that sounds mean and uncaring, but when you’re dealing with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, sometimes you have to give yourself permission to be human. If you lived with a drug addict who was constantly lying to you, stealing your money, and smirked in delight every time they wounded you (either emotionally or physically), you would kick them out of your house. And you wouldn’t enjoy being around them. Some of our kids, without intervention, would have potentially been the future prison inmates, drug addicts, and generally dysfunctional and not very likable adults. We can help them become more than that, but that doesn’t mean that we are always going to feel the warm fuzzies toward them. I have found that with RAD children, those warm fuzzies are honestly few and far between.
To love a wounded child means, I choose to do what is best for him, despite how he treats me. I choose to treat him with respect, do good things for him, tell him that I love him, give him loving eye contact, etc. It’s ok for my love to be a decision of the will, simply because true love many times comes down to just that. It is not about feelings or warm fuzzies. It’s about making the decision to do what’s right.
So, for today, realizing that I am not required to like my child in order to be a good parent or to help him heal really did help me to like him better. It helped take the pressure off. Because I really do feel guilty for not wanting to be around my child when he tries to make my life miserable on purpose. I don’t like not liking my children. But, some days, it’s just the way it is. And that’s ok.
Our wounded child says she over heard us saying bad things about her. I am sure she heard us venting in a mumbling way. I know she didn’t hear actual words. But I did not defend myself. I know her enough that she fishes to get knowledge to use against us later. I would not give her that knowledge. I would not tell her what we said. She really was trying to convince me she already knew. I ended the conversation with her, by letting her know that people who have mouths attached to their faces use them to communicate to each other. Her behavior would determine what people who have eyeballs and ears would say about her to each other. That made her think.