Normal is not an Option

While many of the things our kids get angry at can be trite and petty (much like the things a young child gets angry at), there is much hurt underneath that is anything but trite and petty.  During therapy, I have heard stories from my children that would make a Marine cry like a baby.  Stories of abuse that no child should have to go through.

The issues that tend to be the hardest for me personally deal with are the sexual abuses they have endured.  I know that other types of abuse cause damage; however, I struggle with how destructive this particular abuse has been to them because of the behaviors birthed out of the abuse.  I ache for them and for their lost childhood.  I worry about how they will handle middle school and high school, now that the “light switch” has been turned on for them.  How will they handle relationships?  Their relationships with peers are not healthy now.  I know that it won’t get any easier to manage this issue  the older they get. 

Children who have been sexually abused tend to act out their abuse, much like a young child copies her mom while she’s cooking.  You know.  The child watches mom baking a cake and then gets out her own bowl and spoon and pretends to be making a cake, too.  And then, later, she and a friend can be found pretending to mix the batter and pour it into a pan.  A child who has been victimized sexually will act out his or her abuse with a friend or a younger child, simply because it’s what an adult taught them.  And the abuse cycle continues.

Before we adopted, we had heard that wounded children really needed their own room in order to heal.  We did not take this seriously to begin with.  Now, we do.  In fact, we moved in December so that each of the kids could have their own room.  We have found it to be absolutely necessary.  Even when you don’t think anything inappropriate is happening, it is best to assume that it is or could be.  None of our kids had sexual abuse even listed in their profiles.  But when children have been in foster care for a long time, unfortunately even if it didn’t begin in their family of origin, it many times happens while in a shelter or foster home from other children.

Nothing seems to change a child’s personality like sexual abuse.  The level of violation seems to run deep, and it changes the child’s view of themselves.  Shame.  Guilt.  All because an adult took the child’s innocence away from them.  Not fair.  It was not this child’s fault someone decided to do that.  But, unfortunately, they must pick up the pieces and learn to manage the results.  And it’s not easy.

I think one of the confusing things about sexual abuse is that God made our bodies to feel good when we engage in sexual behavior.  He intended for us to only engage in it with our marriage partner; however, that doesn’t stop the behavior from feeling good outside of that.  So, these children live with the confusion of liking how it felt and yet feeling complete and utter shame and guilt from it.  They feel like it was their fault.  They carry the weight of so many secrets.  Secrets they are convinced that, if anyone knew about them, would cause them to be completely unloved and discarded.  They live with that fear, day in and day out.  So much shame.  And I find it so sad, because, again, they didn’t cause the problem.  Some adult did.  (Which makes the mamma bear in me come out and want to hurt those people who hurt my kiddos.)

My hope and prayer for my children is that they are able to rise above what has happened to them and have happy, healthy relationships someday.  I can already see that the more they talk about the old abuse and resulting acting out, the less frequent the current sexual acting out becomes.  Until they are healthy, we will continue to need to protect their hearts and bodies as much as we can.  Hopefully by then, they will have learned enough to know that they are precious and will be able to protect their heart and body for themselves.  Until then, we certainly have our work cut out for us!