Normal is not an Option

When dealing with wounded children, we generally assume that it’s not a matter of “if” we will be accused falsely by them.  It’s a matter of “when.”  Wounded children triangulate.  It’s just a matter of fact.

Usually, the source of our false allegations (at least the ones we know about) have been our third son.  When he first moved in with us, our son would purposefully refuse to eat dinner and then go to school the next day declaring, “My parents don’t feed me!!”  He would also neglect to wear the nice, new clothes we had just purchased him and opt for the most ratted looking outfit he could find, sneaking out with it on before we realized it.  Then, he’d work hard to look like a poor little foster boy and attempt to get others to feel sorry for this poor little boy whose foster parents didn’t care.  Refusing to wear a coat that morning, he’d look up into the teacher’s eyes and somehow make it sound like we wouldn’t allow him to have a coat that day.  Yes….good times, good times.

Luckily, as far as we know, most of the people he would tell these tales to were those who knew him well and knew about his wonderful, budding acting career.  One teacher, however, began to believe his lies and started to create quite a mess for us.  I began to get completely exhausted from the nasty phone calls from this woman and began to insist for changes in his schooling program.  It didn’t take long for us to work with those who knew us well to get him pulled out of that teacher’s program and he began to do much better in the program where the teachers knew and ignored the games he tried to pull on them.

I have heard of families whose stories did not end so happily, and my heart breaks for them.  I can’t even imagine the heartache they must have endured to be falsely accused and to have ignorant adults automatically believe a very wounded child.  Devastating!

Our son, this same boy, just a few weeks ago, began limping one day to ensure that the bus drivers thought that his dad had run over his leg that morning.  By the time I picked him up from school, it had blossomed into a full-leg drag that made Igore look like an Olympic athlete.  Of course, as soon as I told him to “knock it off and walk normally,” his leg miraculously healed and he was able to walk normally again.  Sigh.

But this time our false allegation came from an unusual source.  My daughter.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I know that the “evil witch” stories abound when she is talking with her friends.  And, to her credit, she knew better than to talk to an intelligent adult, who would have seen through her story right away.  But her story definitely showed where she was at.

We had our Forever Homes cookout last night.  Had a blast, by the way!  This group of parents have to be the most amazing group of people I know.  Loving, amazing people, who have a heart for kids.  My peeps!

Anyway, we get a call from one of the parents afterward.  Evidently, my dear, sweet daughter had told one of the other kids in the group that I slap her across the face every time I’m mad with her.  Mind you…I’ve never touched a hair on the girl’s head.  But, according to her, I slap her face when I’m mad.

How did we handle it?  Well, after getting over the initial shock of hearing this declaration, my husband decided that it was way too dangerous for her to be near her angry, out of control mother, who might just fly off the handle and slap the poor, innocent child at any moment.  So, he did what any good, loving father would do.  He protected her by sending her to her room, declaring with a chuckle that he loved her too much to risk her getting slapped that evening.  Of course, she wasn’t too happy about that, but really….we do care about her safety!

Later that evening, we told her that we knew she had lied to her friend (she denied saying anything, of course) because she was angry with me.  (I, of course, have not been giving her “any” attention and have been so rude as to go on a few outings with friends this week….the nerve!)  Admittedly, her entire goal was to pay me back for not giving her what she felt she needed (aka: non-stop attention).  I had also been a bit crabby that weekend, which hadn’t helped her anger at all.  I hope, however, in the future she learns a better way to deal with her anger.

Luckily in this scenario, too, we had a wise adult hearing the accusations and dealing with the situation appropriately.  She let us know what our child was saying and told her daughter what the truth about the situation was.  Dealing with false allegations doesn’t always go so smoothly, though, and can be incredibly difficult.  We know of a family who ended up having to hire a lawyer to deal with a counselor believing a child’s fantasy/lies.  Unfortunately, this issue comes with the territory of working with wounded kids.

Before even dealing with false allegations, I would highly recommend developing a good relationship with your child’s school and any other adults working with your child.  Without the school knowing us, our parenting style, etc., we would have been in big trouble once he started crying wolf.  Luckily, we had already spoken with the teacher, the school psychologist, and principal.  They knew our discipline methods, how we handled food issues, and also what our son’s primary triangulation techniques were.  We also had a good working relationship with his social worker.  She knew exactly what happened in our home, so that when he tried telling lies she knew what the truth was.  While I know that not everyone has a trusted social worker who can help them navigate these murky waters, this can be a huge help.

If you have a child prone to tall tales about your meanness and cruelty to him or her, I would highly recommend making friends with those adults in the child’s life.  I have heard of some moms who introduce themselves at the police stations and explained their child’s issues (especially if the child has Reactive Attachment Disorder, like our kids), just in case there was ever any question about something happening at their home.  Taking a few precautions can help your child in the long run, because it will prevent a well-meaning adult from making them more sick by believing their lies.  After all, our whole goal is to help our children heal.  Being able to turn others against mom or dad doesn’t help them heal.