Counter-intuitive Parenting
Much of the way we must parent children with Reactive Attachment Disorder goes completely against any and all logic and “normal” parenting. In “normal” parenting, negative behavior is followed by a negative consequence (either natural or one determined by the parent), to try to teach the child a lesson.
With RAD children, many times their consequences must go the opposite way from how we naturally think. The norm says, “you made a bad choice; therefore, you need a time out.” Sometimes with RAD kids, we must give them “time-ins,” where they are right by our side, instead of the usual time-out. A consequence for a bad choice one time might be a natural, Love-and-Logic sort of consequence one time, and the next it might be cuddle time with mom. It helps when they don’t know what the consequence will be each and every time.
Why? We have to keep them on their toes. We have to keep them wondering. If they know what the consequence will be, many times they will sabotage anything good for themselves on purpose, because they don’t believe that they deserve anything good. Then, they never find a way out of their negative cycle of relating and thinking. Sure, they have to earn privileges. But, in the middle of negative behavior, sometimes we have to give them what they least expect and least deserve. It breaks through their walls of defense.
This need to switch things up all the time makes therapeutic parenting very difficult for me personally. First of all, you always have to be thinking and staying one step ahead of the child. You can’t just stick with your normal, do-it-all-the-time consequence. You find yourself always evaluating what way each situation should be handled. Also, therapeutic parenting requires staying in a place of giving mercy and forgiveness. Sure, it’s easy when a kid makes poor choices to automatically give a negative consequence. It makes sense. Depending on what the child does, sometimes it make us feel better knowing they had to pay for their choice. It doesn’t make as much sense to sometimes give what looks like a positive consequence for negative behavior. Plus, much of the time their behavior makes us mad personally. So, sometimes I find myself wanting to go for the automatic negative consequence, simply because I want to see them pay back for what they’ve done. Sometimes we want to scream out, “But she didn’t deserve that!!” It throws off our sense of justice to parent therapeutically.
So many times, I know what I need to do in order to help my child heal. I struggle to give them those things, because of my own anger and sense of justice. I want them to pay for what they did or how they purposefully try to hurt those around them. That makes sense. The level of extreme mercy we must give our children goes against what my brain says is right.
I fully believe that, as therapeutic parents, we will have more opportunity to understand God’s unconditional and overwhelming love much more than our “normal” parental counterparts. God reaches down and pulls us out of our muck, despite how terribly we treat Him. We push Him away. He continually pursues us. We spit in His face. He continues giving us good things, despite the fact that we don’t make good choices. His love doesn’t wait until we “get our act together.” He loves us just as we are, and He loves us too much to let us stay there. Isn’t that how we have to look at things with our wounded child?
Romans 2:4 “Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God’ kindness leads you toward repentance?”
The way you compare the way you must parent wounded children to the way God ‘parents’ us (the ultimate wounded children!) is breathtaking. In many ways I think ALL children should be parented therapeutically – because do we really need to hand out “justice” all the time when WE have been given MERCY so often in our own failings? Anyways – Thank you for putting it into words so beautifully.
At the crisis nusery we often just sit with children on the couch. They rarely are separated from everyone without an adult next to them. We focus more on using words and making them explain their feelings rather than the bad behavior.
Thanks for your encouragement! I totally agree…we are ALL wounded children, if you think about it. All of us have experienced hurts and fears, and, as a result, we push God away. I just wish I were better at actually carrying out the way I know I need to parent all the time!!
Jennie,
That was amazing how you articulate that. You have a gift. I really struggle with putting these things into words and you do that so beautifully. You’re amazing! This really touched and helped me today.
I wish it were feasible for parents of wounded kids to spend that kind of time one on one with our children. Parents have to pay bills, clean dishes, etc. We aren’t always able to have them right next to us at all times, although some kids require constant line-of-sight kind of supervision. (It becomes exhausting to do that day in and day out, though!) It’s wonderful that you deal with the issues behind the behavior, rather than just the behavior itself. That way, the kids can begin to understand why they are reacting the way they are.
I couldn’t agree more. But then again it is 2am where I am so I may agree to anything