Get in the Game!!
This past month has been a difficult one for me. The combination of having my son home during the day, trying desperately to plan out the schedule for the summer and secure enough support for me, as well as a few very, very intense therapy sessions has been enough to send me into myself, trying to process it all. I have spent the month here in body, but certainly not in spirit or mind.
Until Sunday. I don’t know what it was about the service, but it touched me. I suppose part of it had to do with the youth band playing with such passion, and it reminded me of a time when I felt passionate about God and life. Another part was the sermon. Well delivered, yes. But, more than that – it was the topic that got my attention. With garbage strewn all over the stage and the lights darkened, the pastor talked about how we gradually allow garbage into our lives and suddenly we find ourselves in darkness. Now, previously I would have heard a sermon like that and would have associated the garbage with doing things that are bad for you, like going out and partying, doing drugs, etc. But, God spoke directly to my heart. The garbage in my life? Bitterness, hurt, unforgiveness, self-pity. Granted, those things can be understandable in the situation. It’s not easy living in a toilet, with pee all around you. Or having to watch your very own puppy at every second, so that no one hurts it. Things like that become difficult to deal with.
But God showed me something about the way I handle those things. I tend to allow just a little bit of hurt to remain. After all….after so many purposeful jabs, one is bound to feel hurt, right? So, I kept a little bit of hurt as some sick, twisted badge of honor. Look at what I’ve endured!
Then, I allow myself the privilege of keeping back just a little bit of unforgiveness. After all….most people would find it difficult to forgive such horrendous acts done against them? Who wouldn’t find it difficult to forgive a child who wiped their hiney on your sheets, or smeared poop in your bathroom? Who wouldn’t get frustrated at constant sneakiness, triangulation, manipulation, and plain old meanness? So, I justified it all.
Until….I knew on Sunday that my backpack looked much like that stage. Full of garbage. I didn’t realize what I had been doing, until I felt so heavy that I struggled so much to even pick up my emotional backpack. I wanted to run away.
God made it clear to me that morning, “You have been running away emotionally. You need to either completely run away (from everything and everyone – and from My plan), or get yourself back in the game.” I knew. My kids weren’t going to change. That’s just where they are at. My husband….I love him dearly, but there are times he just won’t understand what I’m going through. And that’s not going to change. Men and women are different, and being the mother of wounded kids can be a much different experience than being a father of wounded kids….although both roles can be difficult. No, it was clear. Despite the fact that all I wanted to do was to whine to God and make Him change my circumstances, the only one in the scenario I could change right then was me. And I needed to. This isn’t how I want to live.
So, I wish I could tell you that when I came home the angels sang and that I was behaving like Mary Poppins toward my children. But, I did come back a new woman, with a new attitude. I can’t change anyone but me. And I need to live the way that I know I should live. Following God into the depths of human depravity, using His incredible love and mercy to heal what man cannot even begin to touch – the human heart and soul – will not be an easy task. It’s easy, in the middle of it, to find ourselves elbow deep in muck. And that’s not fun. But, God never intended for us to be comfortable – He did, however, say that He would go with us and give us what we needed. I just need to ask Him more for His mercy, joy (“the joy of the Lord is my strength,” Nehemiah 8:10), as well as His eyes to see my situation as He does. I am learning. Hopefully I get better and better at this whole following God thing.
Secured by