Perhaps the biggest reason I haven’t been blogging, however, comes down to one thing.  I feel extremely compelled to write a book.  It seems strange to even say it, because I have never aspired to be a writer.  I simply feel that God is asking me to write something for mothers of wounded kids, because there is nothing out there just for them.  When I was struggling the most, I searched high and low for something that would help me make sense of all of the emotions and issues I had to deal with on an ongoing basis.  I found nothing.  Sure, there were lots of books out there on techniques to use in parenting the wounded child, but there wasn’t anything that I could find to help me understand what I was going through.  I never want any mom out there to feel as alone as I did then.  So, in my “spare” time, I am working on a collection of thoughts and processes that I have gone through in trying to understand my own reactions to wounded kids and the daily abuse that they give out.  I want to share my own feelings and issues I have faced in parenting my kids, so that others will know that they are not alone.  I am working on collecting stories from our experience, as well as the experiences of others.  I am collecting wisdom from our own learning curve in the middle of being in the trenches, as well as the wisdom I have gained from others.  Through this book, I hope to help moms in the trenches understand their situation better and find hope to stay in the battle.

I also hope to help those outside of the trenches to understand the mother of a child with RAD much better.  Because I found myself in an unusual situation in life, I have found myself doing a lot of educating of friends and family to help them understand my situation, reactions, feelings, and struggles.  This takes a lot of time and energy, which, when parenting wounded kids, can be sparce at best.  I want to provide a resource to other families, so that they can help their family members and close friends understand what they are going through.

Here is where you come in.  I would love to include stories from other families, as well as the insight and wisdom you have gained on how to make it through these murky waters called parenting wounded kids.  I’d also love it if others wanted to submit blog posts, so that we can continue to make this website a place where we can help encourage one another and to know we are not alone.  Either way, I would love for you to write and submit your stories, feelings, insights, so that all of the amazing moms out there in the trenches can know that they are not alone.  I want this book to be a place where honesty and openness help to bridge the gap and show us we are more alike than we realize and that what we feel and experience in these situations is normal.  

Also, Lynn is working on getting an entire blog system set up for anyone interested.  You will be able to post your blogs in a way that makes them as public or as private as you’d like, meaning that you could post your blog entries for anyone to see, or for only family and friends of your choosing to see.  It will be like an online support group, where we can all post how our days are going and be able to encourage one another and pray for one another.  I’m extremely excited about this addition.  Look for information about it sometime this summer!

I have been doing a bit of research on the effects of writing on healing, and research shows that simply the act of writing out our deepest feelings, secrets, and circumstances can bring amazing results in terms of our own emotional and physical health.  I firmly believe that this project could be extremely therapeutic to all of us, as well as helpful to those who read it.

I want to inspire you to share your story.  The joys.  The sorrows.  The lessons learned in the midst of it all.  You have a story to be heard, and countless others can benefit from sharing it.  Even if it’s just a story about one incident, a small victory, or a big defeat.  What is your biggest struggle in parenting a wounded child?  What has been your biggest roadblock, or perspective change that had to happen in order to be able to love your child unconditionally?  What have you done to help yourself stay sane in the middle of complete insanity?  What are your secret fears in being a mom to a wounded child?  What are your dreams and hopes?  Your struggles?

Let’s continue to provide a place where our openness and honesty can help others know they are not alone, as well as to help others understand what we go through in our attempt to help wounded children heal.

Until Sunday.  I don’t know what it was about the service, but it touched me.  I suppose part of it had to do with the youth band playing with such passion, and it reminded me of a time when I felt passionate about God and life.  Another part was the sermon.  Well delivered, yes.  But, more than that – it was the topic that got my attention.  With garbage strewn all over the stage and the lights darkened, the pastor talked about how we gradually allow garbage into our lives and suddenly we find ourselves in darkness.  Now, previously I would have heard a sermon like that and would have associated the garbage with doing things that are bad for you, like going out and partying, doing drugs, etc.  But, God spoke directly to my heart.  The garbage in my life?  Bitterness, hurt, unforgiveness, self-pity.  Granted, those things can be understandable in the situation.  It’s not easy living in a toilet, with pee all around you.  Or having to watch your very own puppy at every second, so that no one hurts it.  Things like that become difficult to deal with.  

But God showed me something about the way I handle those things.  I tend to allow just a little bit of hurt to remain.  After all….after so many purposeful jabs, one is bound to feel hurt, right?  So, I kept a little bit of hurt as some sick, twisted badge of honor.  Look at what I’ve endured! 

Then, I allow myself the privilege of keeping back just a little bit of unforgiveness.  After all….most people would find it difficult to forgive such horrendous acts done against them?  Who wouldn’t find it difficult to forgive a child who wiped their hiney on your sheets, or smeared poop in your bathroom?  Who wouldn’t get frustrated at constant sneakiness, triangulation, manipulation, and plain old meanness?  So, I justified it all.

Until….I knew on Sunday that my backpack looked much like that stage.  Full of garbage.  I didn’t realize what I had been doing, until I felt so heavy that I struggled so much to even pick up my emotional backpack.  I wanted to run away.

God made it clear to me that morning, “You have been running away emotionally.  You need to either completely run away (from everything and everyone – and from My plan), or get yourself back in the game.”  I knew.  My kids weren’t going to change.  That’s just where they are at.  My husband….I love him dearly, but there are times he just won’t understand what I’m going through.  And that’s not going to change.  Men and women are different, and being the mother of wounded kids can be a much different experience than being a father of wounded kids….although both roles can be difficult.  No, it was clear.  Despite the fact that all I wanted to do was to whine to God and make Him change my circumstances, the only one in the scenario I could change right then was me.  And I needed to.  This isn’t how I want to live.

So, I wish I could tell you that when I came home the angels sang and that I was behaving like Mary Poppins toward my children.  But, I did come back a new woman, with a new attitude.  I can’t change anyone but me.  And I need to live the way that I know I should live.  Following God into the depths of human depravity, using His incredible love and mercy to heal what man cannot even begin to touch – the human heart and soul – will not be an easy task.  It’s easy, in the middle of it, to find ourselves elbow deep in muck.  And that’s not fun.  But, God never intended for us to be comfortable – He did, however, say that He would go with us and give us what we needed.  I just need to ask Him more for His mercy, joy (“the joy of the Lord is my strength,” Nehemiah 8:10), as well as His eyes to see my situation as He does.  I am learning.  Hopefully I get better and better at this whole following God thing.  

I knew, however, that the day would not be a happy one for the other two kids.  While sibling rivalry and jealousy abound in “normal” families, one child having anything good can create WWIII in any home with wounded children.  Mom, of course, still tends to be the target of their rage, even though the “evil perpetrator” of their distress is a sibling.  This sibling, of course, will also be a target; however, the jealous child just wants anyone to pay for the fact that they don’t have what the other child has.

Knowing this would be a hard day, I let my third son know that I knew he’d really want tomake everyone pay for his poor “misfortune.”  I tried to ask him some challenging questions, hoping to get him to think about how his own choices contributed to the situation.  We went through all of the choices his brother had made to get to the place where he could make such a large purchase.  The choices included doing his chores, saving the money, and saving up his birthday money for the purchase.  I began to ask him at each point if he, too, had been able to make those same choices along the way.  I asked, given his own choices, why it should be his brother’s problem that he hasn’t worked for an Ipod Touch.  Or why it should be mine.  Of course, he was able to say the right things, but I knew that in his heart the fact that he didn’t have an Ipod was completely the fault of everyone else.  Maybe someday that idea of personal responsibility will kick in.  

I find that children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have a difficult time taking personal responsibility for anything they do.  Regardless of their actions, any consequences basically become the fault of anyone and everyone around them.  This particular child pretty much refuses to do chores in the time given to do them (he still must do them later, but he does not get paid to do them at the later time).  He knows he won’t get paid for the chore by doing it this way, but his desire to be in control outweighs his desire for having money to spend.  This complete desire for control keeps him away from what he really wants; however, his choices still, somehow, become the problem of everyone else instead of him.  He becomes irate when the other two kids receive their allowance and he is left with nothing.

At one point, our therapist had the kids on a point system.  Now, normal star charts don’t really work with wounded children, but this point system was designed to show the kids how their choices added up to either earn privileges or not.  The therapist also used it to point out areas that the kids really struggled with or ways that they sabotaged their own fun.  Two of my kiddos did great with this system, and, no matter what items were placed on the point system, they worked hard to earn positive things.  This particular child, however, worked extra hard to make sure he did NOT earn the points needed to be on the higher level.  

After several weeks of this, I noticed his anger when he was unable to participate in what the other kids could, simply because he hadn’t earned that privilege.  So I asked him about his anger.  He looked at me, and as seriously as he could, explained that despite what he had done, I could still choose to allow him to participate.  In his mind, his behavior should have no connection with him receiving any kind of negative consequence.

This same child purposefully made life very difficult for his teacher and classmates in his regular education classes.  After some time of this, he was unable to participate any longer and had to be pulled out.  His anger went through the roof!!  He did not understand why he should have to do one on one tutoring, despite the fact that he had chosen, time after time, to refuse to participate in the classroom activities and actually worked hard to create chaos in his classroom.  Before this, he’d become angry when he was unable to participate in special events, simply because he had proven that he could not handle them.  In his mind, he should have been able to do anything he wanted and still participate in everything that the other kids did. 

My personal opinion as to why wounded kids fail to take personal responsibility for their actions has to do with attachment.  Children who have not developed an attachment to another human being lack a conscience, because it develops in the context of bonding with another human being – in the middle of relationship.  Because they lack a conscience, they have no sense of personal responsibility and a concept that their behavior creates either positive or negative consequences.  (Many times, in children who have been neglected or abandoned, they did not get a consistent response to their cries for help as infants.  Sometimes when they cried, someone slapped them. Other times, someone gave them a bottle with curdled milk.  Other times, their cries of hunger were completely ignored.  It makes sense, then, that they have no concept of their behavior having any affect on the outcomes.)

So, how do we help them develop this?  Natural consequences, delivered with lots of empathy, help them to become more angry at themselves, rather than you, for their choices.  In those situations where natural consequences are not appropriate, we give other consequences, still delivered with empathy.  And, especially for those extreme kids, we sometimes suspend those consequences, so that they aren’t able to sabotage things.  It takes time, but eventually they get the idea that they failed to learn as young children…that their behaviors have an effect on the outcomes.  Our hope is that they learn to take personal responsibility….eventually.

Usually, the source of our false allegations (at least the ones we know about) have been our third son.  When he first moved in with us, our son would purposefully refuse to eat dinner and then go to school the next day declaring, “My parents don’t feed me!!”  He would also neglect to wear the nice, new clothes we had just purchased him and opt for the most ratted looking outfit he could find, sneaking out with it on before we realized it.  Then, he’d work hard to look like a poor little foster boy and attempt to get others to feel sorry for this poor little boy whose foster parents didn’t care.  Refusing to wear a coat that morning, he’d look up into the teacher’s eyes and somehow make it sound like we wouldn’t allow him to have a coat that day.  Yes….good times, good times.

Luckily, as far as we know, most of the people he would tell these tales to were those who knew him well and knew about his wonderful, budding acting career.  One teacher, however, began to believe his lies and started to create quite a mess for us.  I began to get completely exhausted from the nasty phone calls from this woman and began to insist for changes in his schooling program.  It didn’t take long for us to work with those who knew us well to get him pulled out of that teacher’s program and he began to do much better in the program where the teachers knew and ignored the games he tried to pull on them.

I have heard of families whose stories did not end so happily, and my heart breaks for them.  I can’t even imagine the heartache they must have endured to be falsely accused and to have ignorant adults automatically believe a very wounded child.  Devastating!

Our son, this same boy, just a few weeks ago, began limping one day to ensure that the bus drivers thought that his dad had run over his leg that morning.  By the time I picked him up from school, it had blossomed into a full-leg drag that made Igore look like an Olympic athlete.  Of course, as soon as I told him to “knock it off and walk normally,” his leg miraculously healed and he was able to walk normally again.  Sigh.

But this time our false allegation came from an unusual source.  My daughter.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I know that the “evil witch” stories abound when she is talking with her friends.  And, to her credit, she knew better than to talk to an intelligent adult, who would have seen through her story right away.  But her story definitely showed where she was at.

We had our Forever Homes cookout last night.  Had a blast, by the way!  This group of parents have to be the most amazing group of people I know.  Loving, amazing people, who have a heart for kids.  My peeps!

Anyway, we get a call from one of the parents afterward.  Evidently, my dear, sweet daughter had told one of the other kids in the group that I slap her across the face every time I’m mad with her.  Mind you…I’ve never touched a hair on the girl’s head.  But, according to her, I slap her face when I’m mad.

How did we handle it?  Well, after getting over the initial shock of hearing this declaration, my husband decided that it was way too dangerous for her to be near her angry, out of control mother, who might just fly off the handle and slap the poor, innocent child at any moment.  So, he did what any good, loving father would do.  He protected her by sending her to her room, declaring with a chuckle that he loved her too much to risk her getting slapped that evening.  Of course, she wasn’t too happy about that, but really….we do care about her safety!

Later that evening, we told her that we knew she had lied to her friend (she denied saying anything, of course) because she was angry with me.  (I, of course, have not been giving her “any” attention and have been so rude as to go on a few outings with friends this week….the nerve!)  Admittedly, her entire goal was to pay me back for not giving her what she felt she needed (aka: non-stop attention).  I had also been a bit crabby that weekend, which hadn’t helped her anger at all.  I hope, however, in the future she learns a better way to deal with her anger.

Luckily in this scenario, too, we had a wise adult hearing the accusations and dealing with the situation appropriately.  She let us know what our child was saying and told her daughter what the truth about the situation was.  Dealing with false allegations doesn’t always go so smoothly, though, and can be incredibly difficult.  We know of a family who ended up having to hire a lawyer to deal with a counselor believing a child’s fantasy/lies.  Unfortunately, this issue comes with the territory of working with wounded kids.

Before even dealing with false allegations, I would highly recommend developing a good relationship with your child’s school and any other adults working with your child.  Without the school knowing us, our parenting style, etc., we would have been in big trouble once he started crying wolf.  Luckily, we had already spoken with the teacher, the school psychologist, and principal.  They knew our discipline methods, how we handled food issues, and also what our son’s primary triangulation techniques were.  We also had a good working relationship with his social worker.  She knew exactly what happened in our home, so that when he tried telling lies she knew what the truth was.  While I know that not everyone has a trusted social worker who can help them navigate these murky waters, this can be a huge help.

If you have a child prone to tall tales about your meanness and cruelty to him or her, I would highly recommend making friends with those adults in the child’s life.  I have heard of some moms who introduce themselves at the police stations and explained their child’s issues (especially if the child has Reactive Attachment Disorder, like our kids), just in case there was ever any question about something happening at their home.  Taking a few precautions can help your child in the long run, because it will prevent a well-meaning adult from making them more sick by believing their lies.  After all, our whole goal is to help our children heal.  Being able to turn others against mom or dad doesn’t help them heal.

One thing she said really stuck out to me.  She said, “Sometimes it’s so easy to focus so much on the labels that we forget that these are just kids underneath all of those issues.”  So true.  So many times, we look at our children through the filters of Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Autism, Bi-Polar, etc, that we forget that underneath it all there’s a child.  Granted…..a hurting, scared, angry child, but a child nonetheless.

I am praying God to give me His perspective on my kids this week.  One of those perspectives, I’m sure, has to be…this is a child.  A precious child whom God loves.  Underneath all of the anger, hurt, and awful, mean, ugly behaviors….there’s a kid down there.  Wanting, but not knowing how, to get out and play.  Too scared to.  Too traumatized.  But wanting to.

So often we forget that.  And, I think that because the behaviors usually don’t match up with the age, we assume that they are just working hard to be manipulative.  Many times, when I talk with moms of very young children, the similarities of behaviors and thought processes will be uncanny.  Because of the abuse and neglect, most of our kids emotionally are very young.  While it’s hard to remember, I’m trying to picture a little three year old sitting there in the car, asking me a question he already knows the answer to simply because he did not get his way earlier.  Not easy to do in the heat of the moment, but sometimes it helps shape my response.

The moms who do well with wounded children have developed ways of thinking that don’t follow the norm.  They see beyond what presents itself to the deeper reality.  They see beyond the annoying behaviors, to the red flags begging for help.  They have learned not to take the bizarre behaviors personally, and know that the better they do at their job the more those behaviors may come out for a while.  I want to be that mom.  I know I’m not there yet.  I keep letting myself get to this place of exhaustion, getting completely annoyed with the ongoing jabs and purposeful behavior.  I find myself in need of new perspective.  Don’t we all!?

The issues that tend to be the hardest for me personally deal with are the sexual abuses they have endured.  I know that other types of abuse cause damage; however, I struggle with how destructive this particular abuse has been to them because of the behaviors birthed out of the abuse.  I ache for them and for their lost childhood.  I worry about how they will handle middle school and high school, now that the “light switch” has been turned on for them.  How will they handle relationships?  Their relationships with peers are not healthy now.  I know that it won’t get any easier to manage this issue  the older they get. 

Children who have been sexually abused tend to act out their abuse, much like a young child copies her mom while she’s cooking.  You know.  The child watches mom baking a cake and then gets out her own bowl and spoon and pretends to be making a cake, too.  And then, later, she and a friend can be found pretending to mix the batter and pour it into a pan.  A child who has been victimized sexually will act out his or her abuse with a friend or a younger child, simply because it’s what an adult taught them.  And the abuse cycle continues.

Before we adopted, we had heard that wounded children really needed their own room in order to heal.  We did not take this seriously to begin with.  Now, we do.  In fact, we moved in December so that each of the kids could have their own room.  We have found it to be absolutely necessary.  Even when you don’t think anything inappropriate is happening, it is best to assume that it is or could be.  None of our kids had sexual abuse even listed in their profiles.  But when children have been in foster care for a long time, unfortunately even if it didn’t begin in their family of origin, it many times happens while in a shelter or foster home from other children.

Nothing seems to change a child’s personality like sexual abuse.  The level of violation seems to run deep, and it changes the child’s view of themselves.  Shame.  Guilt.  All because an adult took the child’s innocence away from them.  Not fair.  It was not this child’s fault someone decided to do that.  But, unfortunately, they must pick up the pieces and learn to manage the results.  And it’s not easy.

I think one of the confusing things about sexual abuse is that God made our bodies to feel good when we engage in sexual behavior.  He intended for us to only engage in it with our marriage partner; however, that doesn’t stop the behavior from feeling good outside of that.  So, these children live with the confusion of liking how it felt and yet feeling complete and utter shame and guilt from it.  They feel like it was their fault.  They carry the weight of so many secrets.  Secrets they are convinced that, if anyone knew about them, would cause them to be completely unloved and discarded.  They live with that fear, day in and day out.  So much shame.  And I find it so sad, because, again, they didn’t cause the problem.  Some adult did.  (Which makes the mamma bear in me come out and want to hurt those people who hurt my kiddos.)

My hope and prayer for my children is that they are able to rise above what has happened to them and have happy, healthy relationships someday.  I can already see that the more they talk about the old abuse and resulting acting out, the less frequent the current sexual acting out becomes.  Until they are healthy, we will continue to need to protect their hearts and bodies as much as we can.  Hopefully by then, they will have learned enough to know that they are precious and will be able to protect their heart and body for themselves.  Until then, we certainly have our work cut out for us!

Since this was their first time, Shelly took them on the tour of the ranch and introduced them to the animals (including the chicken who thinks she’s a puppy and will let you pet and hold her).  Then, she taught them how to lead the horse, and they were able to groom two of them as well.  They had a blast!  By the time we returned, though I was exhausted.  So, after getting everyone settled in back home, my husband took over and I took a nap.  

Shortly after the beginning of my nap, one of my kids’ old habits began. My kids have tended to freak out when I’m in my room and not out with them (at all moments, mind you).  In the past, it was much more obvious.  While today the behaviors were not quite as obvious, they were still reminiscent of the old habit.  It used to be that, as soon as I was back in my room for a nap or just to have some time to myself (with my husband out there with them, of course), they’d be perfectly quiet out in the living room, going down the hallway, and then again when they were in their room.  Where they weren’t quiet?  You guessed it.  Right in front of my room!  They’d walk from the living room and down the hallway, completely quiet as a mouse, and then right in front of my room they’d suddenly remember some completley random question that they “needed” to shout out to one of their siblings at that exact moment.  So, they would yell out that silly question, making sure they made enough noise to wake me up, and then proceed quietly to their room.  This scenario would repeat itself more and more the longer I was in my room.  When asked about their behavior, they’d make it clear that they felt that I should be out with them, and they wanted to try to make me wake up and come out (again, the “how DARE you do something for yourself or that isn’t directly for ME!” attitude so common with RAD kids).  While my kids still have that attitude, they have learned to curb their behavior quite a bit in the last two years (dad having them make it up to mom every time they performed those little tricks has helped this greatly!).  

It sometimes still annoys me to think that my kids honestly feel that I should be at their beck and call at every blessed moment of the day.  Dad can be gone…that’s ok.  But mom – if MOM isn’t there, then she has completely abandoned them!!  At times, I struggle with being angry at my children for this completely unrealistic expectation.  Other times I understand where it comes from and I’m better able to shrug it off.  I go between the two attitudes.  I wish I could say that it doesn’t bother me still after two years, but sometimes the fact that it has been that long causes me to wonder just how much longer it will take for this to go away.  I think, though, that this self-centered way of viewing the world will probably be there for a long time to come.  I just need to figure out a way to handle it better without them changing!  Maybe I just need to reread the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, so that I remember what to do with people who step over my boundaries!  Even if it is a little kid!  :)

But my realization today was very freeing.  I don’t HAVE to like him.  In fact, I don’t know of too many people who would like this child if he treated them the way he treats my husband and me.  He is not fun to be around….at all.  So, I don’t have to like him…I just have to LOVE him.

I know that sounds mean and uncaring, but when you’re dealing with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, sometimes you have to give yourself permission to be human.  If you lived with a drug addict who was constantly lying to you, stealing your money, and smirked in delight every time they wounded you (either emotionally or physically), you would kick them out of your house.  And you wouldn’t enjoy being around them.  Some of our kids, without intervention, would have potentially been the future prison inmates, drug addicts, and generally dysfunctional and not very likable adults.  We can help them become more than that, but that doesn’t mean that we are always going to feel the warm fuzzies toward them.  I have found that with RAD children, those warm fuzzies are honestly few and far between.

To love a wounded child means, I choose to do what is best for him, despite how he treats me.  I choose to treat him with respect, do good things for him, tell him that I love him, give him loving eye contact, etc.  It’s ok for my love to be a decision of the will, simply because true love many times comes down to just that.  It is not about feelings or warm fuzzies.  It’s about making the decision to do what’s right.

So, for today, realizing that I am not required to like my child in order to be a good parent or to help him heal really did help me to like him better.  It helped take the pressure off.  Because I really do feel guilty for not wanting to be around my child when he tries to make my life miserable on purpose.  I don’t like not liking my children.  But, some days, it’s just the way it is.  And that’s ok.

First of all, sometimes I feel like there must be more that I could be doing to help them.  While I think, no matter what, it is always possible to do more, with wounded children it doesn’t really depend on how much or how little the mom does.  Whether or not they heal has a large part to do with their choice to want to heal.  But I still always feel guilty that I’m  not doing enough.

The other way I get burnt out is that I begin to get angry with how much they are missing out.  I want for them to be doing well.  I want a good life for them.  Yet, I get frustrated because, regardless of the consequences they receive, they continue making poor choices over and over and over again.  I want fun, laughter, hope, love….you know.  The best in life.  I want for them to rise above the abuse they’ve endured.  Most of the time, I want it way more than they do, and that makes me sad.  And angry.  And frustrated.

And sometimes, when I am wanting so much more for them…I find myself connecting too much to them.  Let me explain.  When giving a consequence to a wounded child, the best way to do it is with empathy.  ”Wow…I am really bummed for you that you have to do this.”  But, when my compassion passes over a line, I get way too emotionally involved.  I don’t want to have to give this consequence.  I see how much they are messing up their own lives.  And, I find myself getting angry instead of showing empathy, just because I really want for them to stop doing whatever it is they are doing, so they can have good things.  My compassion in wanting the good thing way more than they do causes me to loose perspective and cut off their learning opportunity.  I become angry, and that’s all they see.  They don’t learn from their mistake…they just blame me because I got angry.

Even when I am in the middle of feeling so completely burnt out by my kids’ behavior that I don’t even want to see their smiling faces (let alone their angry ones), I have to remind myself of one thing.  It is not my children that I dislike.  I love them very much, and I want the best for them.  No….it is their behavior and choices that I absolutely despise.  And I despise their behavior because of the damage I see it doing to them.  I hate how much they miss out in life.

While I would absolutely LOVE being able to teach my kids the fun stuff in parenting (like how to be a good friend and what their strengths and talents are).  I’d love to be cheering them on at Little League, going to their soccer games, and, well….you know.  The fun, healthy, normal kid stuff that we enjoy seeing our kids excel at.  Instead, I’m cheering them on with, “Good job talking about how much you hate me in your feelings journal!  Way to be honest!!”  ”I love it how you talked about your feelings, instead of acting them out!”  or “Good job not stealing today!  Way to go!”

I know that my kids did not cause the damage done to their brains through neglect, abuse, and abandonment; however, they are the ones who must deal with the consequences.  (Along with my husband and I).  I just hope that they can process through their abuse in time to lead healthy, successful lives.  And, maybe that looks different for wounded kids.  Either way, I have to in some ways distance myself from their behavior and consequences.  I have to understand that I did NOT do this to them and that there’s only so much I can do to help them.  The rest is up to them.  And, I have to keep my heart in check and realize that keeping this boundary in place helps me to be a better parent to this wounded child.  I feel badly that they keep missing out; however, I cannot make them choose what is good for them.  And that’s ok.

During one of the sessions, my son looked up at me and told me, “You hate me….you just don’t want to deal with me.”  My response?  ”Really?  You think I’d drive 2 1/2 hours away, go through this long of a therapy session with you, and drive back if I didn’t love you or want to deal with you?  Trust me…this is the last thing I’d be doing if I didn’t love you!”  The therapist also reminded him that he was sitting in my lap at the moment of this declaration.

I have found that this faulty way of thinking permeates everything wounded kids do.  They come into your home thinking that they are not loved.  Their past has taught them this very well.  No matter what you do, they are trying to prove that this is the case, simply because it’s what they already believe.  And they work hard to prove that you don’t love them.

I have had a child look at me, ask me a question for which they knew the answer would be “no,” and then, once they get that expected answer, walk off dejected.  You can almost hear in their demeanor…”See.  I knew she didn’t love me.”  (They also do this when they’re just mad at you for breathing and they want to find some legitimate thing to be mad at you for…I tell my kids that they are welcome to be mad at me for no reason.  They don’t even have to work that hard to come up with a one!  Just be mad!)

Sometimes, when I am helping my children deal with this whole anger/you-hate-me issue, part of me is thinking, “Are you serious?  Really?”  Children with RAD have so much rage and anger that they pretty much get mad at anything and everything.  And everything you do is reason for them to believe that you do not love them.  You went for a walk = You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  You went out for coffee with a friend = You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  You answered the phone = You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  You made me do a chore = (you guessed it) You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  I find that it almost becomes comical at times the types of things that these children become angry with.  I’ve discovered that pretty much any and everything I do makes my children mad.  I’m evidently really good at it.  It’s a talent I never knew I had before having children in my home with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

This used to bother me so much.  No matter what I did, my children got angry and assumed that I didn’t love them.  And I used to get frustrated with the daily need for the question, “Ok…so what are you mad about?  Use your words!”  Now I just figure that I WILL be making my children mad throughout the day.  And, no matter what, they WILL assume I don’t love them.  I might as well just go about my day and have fun, knowing that they are going to be angry and hurt no matter what.  I can’t control what they get angry and hurt about.  They came to me that way.  All I can do is love them anyway.  And sometimes now I even decide that I might as well even make their anger fun for me.  (It’s sick, I know.  But, when you’re dealing with it day in and day out, you find sick and twisted ways of coping.)

On this particular day, when my child told me that he thought I hated him, I said, “You know what?  That makes me really angry!  If I have company over, you think I hate you.  When I get ready in the morning instead of pay non-stop attention to you…you think I hate you.  I do ANYTHING and you think I hate you.  You have made it completely impossible for me to love you according to your standards.  You have this huge list of things that I must do in order for you to feel loved, and no one would be able to live up to your standards.   And, quite honestly it’s only because you want to keep my love at a distance.  It’s not fair.”

I don’t know if any of my words got through.  But they needed to be said.  I DO love my children – very much.  Quite honestly, if I didn’t I would have left them on the doorstep of some unsuspecting person – or along the highway on the way to therapy – a long time ago.  Just the fact that they are still in my house and are still living is a huge monument to my love for them.  Not to mention the healthy meals I prepare for them, the countless hours I spend trying to find programs to help them heal, the fun activities I plan for them.  One day, I pray that my love will be able to seep into their hearts.  One day.