Perhaps the biggest reason I haven’t been blogging, however, comes down to one thing.  I feel extremely compelled to write a book.  It seems strange to even say it, because I have never aspired to be a writer.  I simply feel that God is asking me to write something for mothers of wounded kids, because there is nothing out there just for them.  When I was struggling the most, I searched high and low for something that would help me make sense of all of the emotions and issues I had to deal with on an ongoing basis.  I found nothing.  Sure, there were lots of books out there on techniques to use in parenting the wounded child, but there wasn’t anything that I could find to help me understand what I was going through.  I never want any mom out there to feel as alone as I did then.  So, in my “spare” time, I am working on a collection of thoughts and processes that I have gone through in trying to understand my own reactions to wounded kids and the daily abuse that they give out.  I want to share my own feelings and issues I have faced in parenting my kids, so that others will know that they are not alone.  I am working on collecting stories from our experience, as well as the experiences of others.  I am collecting wisdom from our own learning curve in the middle of being in the trenches, as well as the wisdom I have gained from others.  Through this book, I hope to help moms in the trenches understand their situation better and find hope to stay in the battle.

I also hope to help those outside of the trenches to understand the mother of a child with RAD much better.  Because I found myself in an unusual situation in life, I have found myself doing a lot of educating of friends and family to help them understand my situation, reactions, feelings, and struggles.  This takes a lot of time and energy, which, when parenting wounded kids, can be sparce at best.  I want to provide a resource to other families, so that they can help their family members and close friends understand what they are going through.

Here is where you come in.  I would love to include stories from other families, as well as the insight and wisdom you have gained on how to make it through these murky waters called parenting wounded kids.  I’d also love it if others wanted to submit blog posts, so that we can continue to make this website a place where we can help encourage one another and to know we are not alone.  Either way, I would love for you to write and submit your stories, feelings, insights, so that all of the amazing moms out there in the trenches can know that they are not alone.  I want this book to be a place where honesty and openness help to bridge the gap and show us we are more alike than we realize and that what we feel and experience in these situations is normal.  

Also, Lynn is working on getting an entire blog system set up for anyone interested.  You will be able to post your blogs in a way that makes them as public or as private as you’d like, meaning that you could post your blog entries for anyone to see, or for only family and friends of your choosing to see.  It will be like an online support group, where we can all post how our days are going and be able to encourage one another and pray for one another.  I’m extremely excited about this addition.  Look for information about it sometime this summer!

I have been doing a bit of research on the effects of writing on healing, and research shows that simply the act of writing out our deepest feelings, secrets, and circumstances can bring amazing results in terms of our own emotional and physical health.  I firmly believe that this project could be extremely therapeutic to all of us, as well as helpful to those who read it.

I want to inspire you to share your story.  The joys.  The sorrows.  The lessons learned in the midst of it all.  You have a story to be heard, and countless others can benefit from sharing it.  Even if it’s just a story about one incident, a small victory, or a big defeat.  What is your biggest struggle in parenting a wounded child?  What has been your biggest roadblock, or perspective change that had to happen in order to be able to love your child unconditionally?  What have you done to help yourself stay sane in the middle of complete insanity?  What are your secret fears in being a mom to a wounded child?  What are your dreams and hopes?  Your struggles?

Let’s continue to provide a place where our openness and honesty can help others know they are not alone, as well as to help others understand what we go through in our attempt to help wounded children heal.

More and more, I realize how important having contact with other moms of hurt children can be for those of us on this journey.  Who else can understand our pain, joys, fears, and overall feelings?  This mom and I were discussing how abnormal we sometimes feel around those who don’t have wounded kids.  While others discuss their last pedicure or how well their child is doing in school, we’re dealing with urine, poop, and sex.  It can sometimes feel like we live in an entirely different world than everyone else.  And that can be isolating!

Having contact with others going through what you are going through can be so important.  We need to know that we are not alone, that what we feel is normal, and to feel like others care and know us.  For this reason, we have our once a month Forever Homes support group meetings.  While our vision is to have one in every city, right now the extent of the meetings has been only in the Tri Cities of WA state.  It has been incredibly exciting, though, to watch this group of people develop into a true community of people who care about each other and provide support to one another.  Such a blessing!  These moms have become my friends and cheerleaders. They are precious to me, and I am incredibly thankful for them!

We have also begun to have a time for just the moms to get together, because we all started to feel like once a month was NOT enough!!  (By the way, if you are interested in this get-together and live in the Tri-Cities, it will be this coming Thursday – June 11 – at 6:00 PM, in the banquet room at Round Table Pizza on Leslie Road in Richland – We’d love for you to join us!)  We moms need each other for encouragement, laughter, and hope.

For those of you who do not have a support group in your area, please do not give up hope.  You are not alone.  I know that you are very busy with your own wounded child, but I’d like to challenge you to the possibility of starting a support group in your area.  You will be able to meet other families going through what you are going through, and you can be there for one another.  

There’s just something about being understood that fills up our soul.  I think that’s the way God made us….to need to have connections that goe beyond the surface.  To be known, understood, and loved.  And sometimes that feels harder when you’re parenting wounded kids.  Not that many people really know what you’re going through. That’s why we need to stay connected to those who do.

One thing she said really stuck out to me.  She said, “Sometimes it’s so easy to focus so much on the labels that we forget that these are just kids underneath all of those issues.”  So true.  So many times, we look at our children through the filters of Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Autism, Bi-Polar, etc, that we forget that underneath it all there’s a child.  Granted…..a hurting, scared, angry child, but a child nonetheless.

I am praying God to give me His perspective on my kids this week.  One of those perspectives, I’m sure, has to be…this is a child.  A precious child whom God loves.  Underneath all of the anger, hurt, and awful, mean, ugly behaviors….there’s a kid down there.  Wanting, but not knowing how, to get out and play.  Too scared to.  Too traumatized.  But wanting to.

So often we forget that.  And, I think that because the behaviors usually don’t match up with the age, we assume that they are just working hard to be manipulative.  Many times, when I talk with moms of very young children, the similarities of behaviors and thought processes will be uncanny.  Because of the abuse and neglect, most of our kids emotionally are very young.  While it’s hard to remember, I’m trying to picture a little three year old sitting there in the car, asking me a question he already knows the answer to simply because he did not get his way earlier.  Not easy to do in the heat of the moment, but sometimes it helps shape my response.

The moms who do well with wounded children have developed ways of thinking that don’t follow the norm.  They see beyond what presents itself to the deeper reality.  They see beyond the annoying behaviors, to the red flags begging for help.  They have learned not to take the bizarre behaviors personally, and know that the better they do at their job the more those behaviors may come out for a while.  I want to be that mom.  I know I’m not there yet.  I keep letting myself get to this place of exhaustion, getting completely annoyed with the ongoing jabs and purposeful behavior.  I find myself in need of new perspective.  Don’t we all!?

Regardless of where they are at in this journey, I find one thing to be completely obvious.  These moms love their kids.  Whether they’ve just started out or have been doing this for years, they love their kids.  Whether they are feeling burnt out or completely rejuvenated, they are doing an amazing job…and love their kids!

Did I mention that they love their kids?  Do they get burnt out?  YES!  Do they tire of dealing with attrotious behavior?  YES, YES!  Do they always know the right thing to do?  Nope.  But, these amazing moms, through exhaustion and emotional fatigue, push through to figure out the answers!  They get up, every day, and keep on keeping on.  And that, in itself, makes you a hero. 

And, just so you amazing moms know….I admire all of you so much.  You have put up with more than what is humanly possible, and they keep loving.  Even when you feel like you hate your child.  It’s not the child that you hate….it’s the incredibly awful behaviors that are exhausting you.

Remember, moms….You may not always like your child’s behavior.  Who would?  But, you absolutely would give your life for them.  In fact, you do so right now, day in and day out, in the little things you do, despite how you feel.  You give your life for them every day.  And you deserve way more applause than you ever will receive in this lifetime.  Thumbs up to you!!!  Know that the angels in heaven applaud you, every day, as you’re dealing with a mountain of laundry because your child once again peed in his clothing on purpose.  They cheer you on as you deal with the dumb questions, constant chatter, glares, “I hate you’s,” stealing, lying, and neediness.  I know that sometimes you don’t feel like what you do makes that much difference (mostly because the change comes so slowly).  I know there are times you want to throw in the towel and take the next bus out of town!  I know sometimes you feel exhausted, beat down, alone, afraid, and like no one out there cares or understands.  I know.  I’ve been there, too.  

But God sees what you do, day in and day out.  He sees the heartache you feel in your heart.  He sees the aprehension and the wondering if this child will really be able to “make it” as they get older.  He sees all of that.  And He hasn’t abandoned you.  You are not alone.  And He sees you as AN AMAZING MOM!  Despite your discouragement and fatigue.  He knows.

Please don’t let the messages from your children (or other people, for that matter) tell you otherwise.  You know…the constant messages you get saying, “You can’t take care of me.” or “You don’t love me.”  or “You don’t ever do enough for me (or give me enough – attention, love, hugs, stuff, etc.).”  You are amazing.  You are the one for the job.  A tough job…undoubtedly.  But one you were created for and can do like no one else can do.  Not many people would be able to fill your shoes.  Most wouldn’t last a day.  But, you have lasted this long.  Your child still lives, right?  You haven’t yet dropped him along side of the highway for him to fend for himself yet, right?  That’s a huge accomplishment!!  :)  Give yourself a pat on the back!!!!  And, you take it one step further.  You actually do good things for this child who repays you by spitting in your face emotionally (or perhaps physically from time to time).  You keep plugging along.

I’d also like to remind you that you are not doing what you are doing for this child.  Yes, we want them to heal.  Yes, we do lots of stuff for this child every day.  But, ultimately, it can’t be for this child that we work.  Otherwise, our love will fail and grow weak.  No….our work must be for the One Who loves us, Who saved us, and Who every day gives us the grace to go another moment.  His love – endless.  His grace – ours for the taking.  It can’t be on our own or for our kids we work.  It must be for Him and in His strength alone that we do this work.

May all of you awesome moms (especially those of you who don’t feel so awesome right now) have a blessed day!  (And, usually when you don’t feel very awesome, it’s because you are dealing with way more than one person should have to.)  I pray for others to come along side of you and encourage you right now in the middle of your struggle and pain.  May God’s love come down and remind you that God loves YOU…not just your child.

It was discernibly different how much better behaved my kids were, as well.  Partially because they wanted to show off for grandma and grandpa and partially because of the healing they’ve already gone through.  But mostly because grandma and grandpa’s help freed me up to help the kids deal with their issues more.  Them being here allowed me to “spin the plates” a little easier, because there were less plates for me to spin overall.   (usually there are plates shattering all over the place….and many with food on them!)

For example, Saturday was amazing.  Grandpa was outside working on one of the cars.  Grandma was helping me get lunch ready when one of the kids started to cycle downward.  That means they were doing fine at the moment, but I could tell that if I didn’t deal with the situation we would all regret it.  I helped that child work through whatever issue they were dealing with at the time, ate a wonderful lunch fixed by my mom, and enjoyed time of normal conversation with the family.  Toward the end of lunch, I could tell that another child was not doing well.  I immediately started spinning the plate of a “therapy session” with that child, while my mom was spinning the plate of doing dishes.  Grandpa, who hates to sit still for even a moment, went outside to work on the car once again….one less big plate for us to spin later.  And a huge help financially to our family (I especially appreciate it after just spending an arm and a leg in Seattle when the other car broke down).

This past week reminded me once again of the Forever Home’s vision to inspire people in the community to surround the families who are called to adopt wounded children.  Our families truly cannot do it on our own.  First of all, we desperately need God’s help.  Only with God’s strength can we love our children unconditionally like they need to be loved.  And we really do need the body of Christ to surround us with prayer, encouragement and practical help.  It’s too exhausting to do all by ourselves.

How can you help the parent of a wounded child?  There are so many things that may seem small to you but can make a huge difference.  Remember back to when you had a newborn baby?  Remember how it felt to have others bring a meal during those first few weeks?  Well, the amount of work that it takes to care for a newborn can many times pale in comparison to parenting a wounded child.  When a family has child so badly wounded that she is emotionally still an infant in a 10 year old body, the supervision involved can be completely overwhelming.  Bringing a meal over once a week or even once a month can make all the difference in the world.  Coming over to help with dishes can give the parent of a child with attachment issues the time to do bonding activities with them.  Helping with yard work can ease the burden of an exhausted mom.  Helping with car maintenance or repairs can help a family strapped financially because of their child’s stealing habits or damage of property.  You have no idea how big of a difference those things make.

Even emotionally, encouragement to a mom with wounded kids can make or break a situation.  People have no idea how much abuse a mother with RAD kids takes on each day.  I would have never believed it had I not experienced it personally.  There’s a reason not everyone adopts older, wounded kids.  It isn’t easy.  Yet, doing so accomplishes the very thing closest to the heart of God.  How many times did He say to care for the orphans and widows?  A lot!  When you support these families, you support what is important to God.

This week, I had a taste of what that kind of help and emotional support felt like.  It was phenomenal.  Can’t even begin to explain how it lifted the burden for just a little bit and helped me to be able to give the time to my kiddos that they need.  Amazing!

But, really.  I know that this may seem silly to some of you, but to a mother of three wounded children with RAD (reactive attachment disorder), having any kind of energy, emotional or otherwise, can be an incredibly rare thing indeed!  So rare that there are times you start to think that within a few years, people will be confusing you with a character from “Night of the Living Dead.”  It’s not pretty.  And neither are those bags under your eyes.  You could pack for vacation in those things.

About a month and 1/2 ago, I went to the doctor.  I had become so exhausted that I didn’t even want to get out of bed.  Basically, she told me that my stress levels had been so high for so long that I was starting to go into adrenal fatigue.  For those of you who don’t know what that means, basically it goes like this.  When you undergo a crisis, your body thinks, “I’m going to die.”  The brain sends out a message to your body to put it on high alert.  All sorts of chemicals are released in your body that enable you to do whatever you need to do in order to get through the stressful situation.  Wonderful process….keeps us safe in the middle of a crisis.  The only problem:  It doesn’t distinguish when that stress comes from a car accident or an angry little boy trying nonstop to sabotage fun or to get you to give up on him by whatever means necessary.  No difference.  And when your body has been thinking “I’m going to die,” for a very long time, the adrenal glands get overworked and start to shut down.   Note: You do not want this to happen.

So, enough of a science lesson for today….back to the doctor.  She basically told me that if I didn’t change something, I would kill myself.  The body can only handle being at high alert for so long, and my body had been there for way too long already.  I needed to make some changes, and I needed to make them fast.

One of the problems for me was that I wasn’t sleeping soundly.  Evidently, when cortizol has been released (one of the stress chemicals), it can prevent you from sleeping.  I suppose that’s good when you are in the middle of a real crisis, but not really appreciated when you really do need to sleep.  So, she put me on some sort of cortizol blocker so that I could actually get sleep and allow my body to heal (it’s called Seriphos…you can purchase it online).  She also gave me a list of vitamins to start on in order to heal my adrenal glands and to help my body deal with the stress. For those of you who are interested, they included just a regular multi-vitamin, higher doses of Vitamin C, B Stress complex, and Pantothenic Acid.  She also put me on St. John’s Wort, for the depression.  (Note: 95% of the moms who do this kind of parenting are on depression meds, FYI.)

I cannot tell you what a difference those vitamins have made.  Within a week, my sister in law asked me, “What have you done?  You look so pretty!”  After we had a good laugh over that one, she clarified, “No, really.  You actually have color in your face!”  After that I had person after person tell me how worried they had become for me.  I didn’t even realize how exhausted I had become until I actually wasn’t completely exhausted.  I read somewhere that when you are in adrenal fatigue, you literally don’t even have the energy to care.  That made me feel so much better, because there were so many times over the past few months with my kids that I felt like a bad mom.  I honestly did not even have the energy to care about ANYTHING.

When I first was reading about parenting RAD children, one of the pieces of advice I ignored was, “take your vitamins, especially your B vitamins.  Take good care of yourself.”  Yea, yea.  Whatever.  You know, like we do with most advice before we jump into something.  Nancy Thomas‘ book “When Love is Not Enough” encourages parents of RAD children to first of all take care of themselves, so that they can take care of their child.  I didn’t listen to her.  I jumped in with both feet, putting aside any and all of my own needs, thinking I was doing the best thing for my children.  I wasn’t.

As moms of extremely wounded children, we actually have to take BETTER care of ourselves than those moms of healthy children.  We MUST take breaks.  We MUST get rest, nourish our bodies, etc.  I heard Dr. Laura on the radio today send a message to all moms out there to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!  She talked about how easy it was for us to feel guilty about doing things for ourselves.  She challenged moms to think about it this way….WE ourselves are the tool through which our children are parented.  If we don’t take care of ourselves, we cannot be of any help to them.  Trust me, I learned that the hard way.