I knew, however, that the day would not be a happy one for the other two kids.  While sibling rivalry and jealousy abound in “normal” families, one child having anything good can create WWIII in any home with wounded children.  Mom, of course, still tends to be the target of their rage, even though the “evil perpetrator” of their distress is a sibling.  This sibling, of course, will also be a target; however, the jealous child just wants anyone to pay for the fact that they don’t have what the other child has.

Knowing this would be a hard day, I let my third son know that I knew he’d really want tomake everyone pay for his poor “misfortune.”  I tried to ask him some challenging questions, hoping to get him to think about how his own choices contributed to the situation.  We went through all of the choices his brother had made to get to the place where he could make such a large purchase.  The choices included doing his chores, saving the money, and saving up his birthday money for the purchase.  I began to ask him at each point if he, too, had been able to make those same choices along the way.  I asked, given his own choices, why it should be his brother’s problem that he hasn’t worked for an Ipod Touch.  Or why it should be mine.  Of course, he was able to say the right things, but I knew that in his heart the fact that he didn’t have an Ipod was completely the fault of everyone else.  Maybe someday that idea of personal responsibility will kick in.  

I find that children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have a difficult time taking personal responsibility for anything they do.  Regardless of their actions, any consequences basically become the fault of anyone and everyone around them.  This particular child pretty much refuses to do chores in the time given to do them (he still must do them later, but he does not get paid to do them at the later time).  He knows he won’t get paid for the chore by doing it this way, but his desire to be in control outweighs his desire for having money to spend.  This complete desire for control keeps him away from what he really wants; however, his choices still, somehow, become the problem of everyone else instead of him.  He becomes irate when the other two kids receive their allowance and he is left with nothing.

At one point, our therapist had the kids on a point system.  Now, normal star charts don’t really work with wounded children, but this point system was designed to show the kids how their choices added up to either earn privileges or not.  The therapist also used it to point out areas that the kids really struggled with or ways that they sabotaged their own fun.  Two of my kiddos did great with this system, and, no matter what items were placed on the point system, they worked hard to earn positive things.  This particular child, however, worked extra hard to make sure he did NOT earn the points needed to be on the higher level.  

After several weeks of this, I noticed his anger when he was unable to participate in what the other kids could, simply because he hadn’t earned that privilege.  So I asked him about his anger.  He looked at me, and as seriously as he could, explained that despite what he had done, I could still choose to allow him to participate.  In his mind, his behavior should have no connection with him receiving any kind of negative consequence.

This same child purposefully made life very difficult for his teacher and classmates in his regular education classes.  After some time of this, he was unable to participate any longer and had to be pulled out.  His anger went through the roof!!  He did not understand why he should have to do one on one tutoring, despite the fact that he had chosen, time after time, to refuse to participate in the classroom activities and actually worked hard to create chaos in his classroom.  Before this, he’d become angry when he was unable to participate in special events, simply because he had proven that he could not handle them.  In his mind, he should have been able to do anything he wanted and still participate in everything that the other kids did. 

My personal opinion as to why wounded kids fail to take personal responsibility for their actions has to do with attachment.  Children who have not developed an attachment to another human being lack a conscience, because it develops in the context of bonding with another human being – in the middle of relationship.  Because they lack a conscience, they have no sense of personal responsibility and a concept that their behavior creates either positive or negative consequences.  (Many times, in children who have been neglected or abandoned, they did not get a consistent response to their cries for help as infants.  Sometimes when they cried, someone slapped them. Other times, someone gave them a bottle with curdled milk.  Other times, their cries of hunger were completely ignored.  It makes sense, then, that they have no concept of their behavior having any affect on the outcomes.)

So, how do we help them develop this?  Natural consequences, delivered with lots of empathy, help them to become more angry at themselves, rather than you, for their choices.  In those situations where natural consequences are not appropriate, we give other consequences, still delivered with empathy.  And, especially for those extreme kids, we sometimes suspend those consequences, so that they aren’t able to sabotage things.  It takes time, but eventually they get the idea that they failed to learn as young children…that their behaviors have an effect on the outcomes.  Our hope is that they learn to take personal responsibility….eventually.

Something our therapist told me really stuck out.  She said, point blank, “You are getting way too predictable.”  Bottom line – I NEED to mix it up more!  I know this relates to my post yesterday, but it is such an important point that I want to look at this in a slightly different angle.

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder will sabotage and try to ruin any good thing when they know it’s coming.  They will also work hard to get into trouble if that happens every time they mess up.  Again….parenting these kids does not follow the normal, or typical, parenting techniques.  Sometimes when our child acts up, we need to send them to their room.  Sometimes they need a “time-in,” where they sit right by your side the whole time.  Sometimes they need to do chores to pay back for the family energy they’ve taken.  And sometimes, we just need to pull them into our arms and say, “Wow!  You are having a rough day.  You must really need my love today!”  

This becomes tiring, because we must stay ahead of the child.  I feel as though I am constantly making decisions as to the best way to handle a given situation.  Doing the “time out” thing every time becomes easy.  And, in “normal” parenting, it can be very effective to do things consistently.  With our children, we have to be full of surprises, so that they don’t know what’s coming.  According to our therapist, sometimes we have to act more crazy than them!  These kids find it much harder to know how to tick you off when they can’t seem to get the same response from you every time.  Wounded kids don’t know what to do with it.

When I’m on top of my game, I can work hard to come across just as insane as they are.  And, trust me, it really does help!  A senseless question can be met with uproarious laughter or a smirk and a quick hug.  Non-stop chatter can be met with making more noise and being louder than what they are doing.  A temper tantrum can be met with an even bigger one coming from the place they least expect it….mom.  (Try to imagine yourself throwing a big one on the floor…with your child, who has now stopped their temper tantrum, looking at you -completely wide-eyed!  Try it…it might actually feel pretty good to get out all of those feelings you have pent up inside!)  These unexpected responses keep them out of equilibrium and don’t allow them the opportunity to create as much chaos.  The crazier their behavior becomes, the more unexpected your response can be!  They do the behaviors, hoping to push you away.  When that doesn’t happen, they are thrown off.

So, I guess as crazy as I feel sometimes, I am just not being crazy enough.  So, here’s the word for today: Planned insanity!  Try it.  You may like it!

The issues that tend to be the hardest for me personally deal with are the sexual abuses they have endured.  I know that other types of abuse cause damage; however, I struggle with how destructive this particular abuse has been to them because of the behaviors birthed out of the abuse.  I ache for them and for their lost childhood.  I worry about how they will handle middle school and high school, now that the “light switch” has been turned on for them.  How will they handle relationships?  Their relationships with peers are not healthy now.  I know that it won’t get any easier to manage this issue  the older they get. 

Children who have been sexually abused tend to act out their abuse, much like a young child copies her mom while she’s cooking.  You know.  The child watches mom baking a cake and then gets out her own bowl and spoon and pretends to be making a cake, too.  And then, later, she and a friend can be found pretending to mix the batter and pour it into a pan.  A child who has been victimized sexually will act out his or her abuse with a friend or a younger child, simply because it’s what an adult taught them.  And the abuse cycle continues.

Before we adopted, we had heard that wounded children really needed their own room in order to heal.  We did not take this seriously to begin with.  Now, we do.  In fact, we moved in December so that each of the kids could have their own room.  We have found it to be absolutely necessary.  Even when you don’t think anything inappropriate is happening, it is best to assume that it is or could be.  None of our kids had sexual abuse even listed in their profiles.  But when children have been in foster care for a long time, unfortunately even if it didn’t begin in their family of origin, it many times happens while in a shelter or foster home from other children.

Nothing seems to change a child’s personality like sexual abuse.  The level of violation seems to run deep, and it changes the child’s view of themselves.  Shame.  Guilt.  All because an adult took the child’s innocence away from them.  Not fair.  It was not this child’s fault someone decided to do that.  But, unfortunately, they must pick up the pieces and learn to manage the results.  And it’s not easy.

I think one of the confusing things about sexual abuse is that God made our bodies to feel good when we engage in sexual behavior.  He intended for us to only engage in it with our marriage partner; however, that doesn’t stop the behavior from feeling good outside of that.  So, these children live with the confusion of liking how it felt and yet feeling complete and utter shame and guilt from it.  They feel like it was their fault.  They carry the weight of so many secrets.  Secrets they are convinced that, if anyone knew about them, would cause them to be completely unloved and discarded.  They live with that fear, day in and day out.  So much shame.  And I find it so sad, because, again, they didn’t cause the problem.  Some adult did.  (Which makes the mamma bear in me come out and want to hurt those people who hurt my kiddos.)

My hope and prayer for my children is that they are able to rise above what has happened to them and have happy, healthy relationships someday.  I can already see that the more they talk about the old abuse and resulting acting out, the less frequent the current sexual acting out becomes.  Until they are healthy, we will continue to need to protect their hearts and bodies as much as we can.  Hopefully by then, they will have learned enough to know that they are precious and will be able to protect their heart and body for themselves.  Until then, we certainly have our work cut out for us!

Since this was their first time, Shelly took them on the tour of the ranch and introduced them to the animals (including the chicken who thinks she’s a puppy and will let you pet and hold her).  Then, she taught them how to lead the horse, and they were able to groom two of them as well.  They had a blast!  By the time we returned, though I was exhausted.  So, after getting everyone settled in back home, my husband took over and I took a nap.  

Shortly after the beginning of my nap, one of my kids’ old habits began. My kids have tended to freak out when I’m in my room and not out with them (at all moments, mind you).  In the past, it was much more obvious.  While today the behaviors were not quite as obvious, they were still reminiscent of the old habit.  It used to be that, as soon as I was back in my room for a nap or just to have some time to myself (with my husband out there with them, of course), they’d be perfectly quiet out in the living room, going down the hallway, and then again when they were in their room.  Where they weren’t quiet?  You guessed it.  Right in front of my room!  They’d walk from the living room and down the hallway, completely quiet as a mouse, and then right in front of my room they’d suddenly remember some completley random question that they “needed” to shout out to one of their siblings at that exact moment.  So, they would yell out that silly question, making sure they made enough noise to wake me up, and then proceed quietly to their room.  This scenario would repeat itself more and more the longer I was in my room.  When asked about their behavior, they’d make it clear that they felt that I should be out with them, and they wanted to try to make me wake up and come out (again, the “how DARE you do something for yourself or that isn’t directly for ME!” attitude so common with RAD kids).  While my kids still have that attitude, they have learned to curb their behavior quite a bit in the last two years (dad having them make it up to mom every time they performed those little tricks has helped this greatly!).  

It sometimes still annoys me to think that my kids honestly feel that I should be at their beck and call at every blessed moment of the day.  Dad can be gone…that’s ok.  But mom – if MOM isn’t there, then she has completely abandoned them!!  At times, I struggle with being angry at my children for this completely unrealistic expectation.  Other times I understand where it comes from and I’m better able to shrug it off.  I go between the two attitudes.  I wish I could say that it doesn’t bother me still after two years, but sometimes the fact that it has been that long causes me to wonder just how much longer it will take for this to go away.  I think, though, that this self-centered way of viewing the world will probably be there for a long time to come.  I just need to figure out a way to handle it better without them changing!  Maybe I just need to reread the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, so that I remember what to do with people who step over my boundaries!  Even if it is a little kid!  :)

I think part of it simply is because I had a break…and it felt good.  My husband and I went camping alone for the weekend, and I really relaxed.  No children screaming for my attention.  No pee shrines.  Only us – out in nature (and, his mom’s camping trailer, where we actually watched some movies, too).  Sometimes after a break I find it hard to go back into the mess.  It’s nice not to have to conduct multiple “therapy sessions” per day per child.  It’s nice for a while not to have to deal with all of their insecurities and fears.  But, then the break concludes, and I must go back into the muck.  And, the muck tends to be worse after we have had a break….my children’s anger over being “abandoned” for the weekend makes me uncertain of what kind of reception I will come home to.

Part of my breakdown also stems from earlier this week.  I felt very overwhelmed in therapy, and I think it took me a while to even realize it.  Not really prepared for even one intense session, and I got two of them (and then a third child who completely shut down and refused to talk altogether).  And they things the two shared were doozies.  Found out more than I ever wanted to know about my kids, what they are doing, how they think, and what they want to do.  You know….one of those sessions.  One where you walk out going, “Hmmmm…not sure what to do with that one.”  One that you feel the need to get a therapist for YOU afterwards, just to figure out how to process through all of the junk you just heard.

I find myself a little grossed out right now by my kids’ behavior and thought processes.  Normally I can take it, but it has just been a little too much too often lately.  Perhaps because they are just sharing more now, because of where things are at in therapy.  Either way, I find myself not quite sure how to continue giving them unconditional love right now.  I want space.  I don’t want to deal with sexual issues, bodily function issues, wanting to kill my new puppy, a constant need for supervision and a constant desire for attention.  It’s all a bit much for me right now.  I’m starting to feel burnt out…not as much as I was before, but I guess just burnt out on dealing with extreme issues.  I wish that part was over.  When do we get to the fun stuff?  Will we ever?

Today I found myself trying to figure out how to handle it all, when I was reminded of some old lessons I’ve learned while chatting with a friend today.  Something I’ve learned before but keep forgetting.  She asked me how I got out of my extreme funk last year, when I was completely and utterly burnt out.  I told her that I pretty much ended up sending my kids to the day camp at the Boys and Girls Club almost every day, thinking that would help.  Then, ONE week before school started, I realized, “Shoot!  I only have one more week of this extended schedule with a few more hours away from my kids.  Then school starts and it’s back to the normal schedule.”  I realized I wasn’t ready for it, and I also realized that I needed to do something drastic to change that.  So, what did I do?  I spent the entire week on me.  The entire time that the kids were at day camp, I went out with friends, listened to music, read books, sipped coffee.  Took life easy and took extreme care of myself.  And, after only one week, my husband declared he’d seen an entire 180 degree turnaround.  I went from complete burnout, where I didn’t even want to look at my kids, to being able to give and love again.  It was that obvious and that fast.  

So, what did I learn from that experience?  (And, what is it that I keep forgetting?)  I MUST take care of myself.  If I don’t, I will not be able to parent my children in the way I need to.  They need extreme measures of love, forgiveness, mercy, healing, and nurture.  I must give myself extreme measures of those same things in order to give them what they need.  And, frequently…I don’t.

Sometimes I don’t care for myself the way I need to, because, quite honestly, it feels selfish.  I look around.  I have several stacks of paperwork that needs to be done, mostly for my kids.  I have a master bathroom half done that needs for me to paint it in order to get it fully working (which, by the way, will be so wonderful…I won’t have to bring my toiletries back and forth from our only bathroom – just like I did in college – so that nothing gets peed in or stolen!  Yah!).  I have calls to make.  I have schedules to get ready for the summer.  I have so many things to do.  However, if I don’t take care of the one commodity that can help my kids heal – me – I won’t be accomplishing much, no matter how much of that I get done.  

But, too often, I let guilt get in the way of what I really need to do.  Guilt that my husband is working hard to provide for our family.  How dare I give myself a pedicure while he’s away at work?

We MUST take time to stop and smell the roses.  Sometimes, after smelling so much urine and poop for so long, we start to forget that roses are even out there.  We have to do those things that keep us connected to the beautiful side of humanity, rather than the utter depravity we experience every day.  We must connect with God.  Listen to music.  Watch a breathtaking view.  Stop and talk to a friend.  Read a book.  Whatever it is that fills you up.  Make sure you do something today that fills YOU up.  After all, junior can stay in his room for 30 minutes while mom unwinds.  It’s OK.

We as moms (and dads) of wounded kids MUST take extreme measures to take care of ourselves, so that we can help our kids heal.  That may mean using more of our budget to do things that to the outside world look like frivolous things, then we must.  For families with wounded kids….they “frivolous” things are absolutely necessary for survival.  So, don’t feel guilty if you NEED to get a massage every week or a manicure.  That sounds selfish and silly, but…it is NOT.  Take good care of yourself.  These kiddos needs for you to help them heal.  And, without you (and without you being sane and refreshed)….that won’t happen.

And, for those of you who know someone parenting a wounded kiddo….give her (or him) understanding when she needs to pamper herself a little more than the average person.  Perhaps you can even facilitate some pampering for her….

My plan was to go pick up my son from tutoring and have the two of us attempt to work on some of the cleaning together.  Then, we would go pick up the other two kids at the regular

school time and I’d drop them all off at the Boys and Girl’s Club (I do that once a week, just to stay sane) so I could get more done.  On the days I am actually motivated to get things done, I have to take advantage of every moment I can.  I think Someone else had other things in mind for today, though.

I picked my son up from tutoring and found out that he had completely tried to control and manipulate the session.  Obviously…very angry.  On the way home, we talked about what was going on.  He had just been to respite (aka: babysitting for wounded kids) this past weekend for our date weekend, and was still pretty mad about it.  

Then, we began to talk about the feelings behind the mad (I am trying to teach him that usually anger covers up other emotions).  The real fear was that if he went to another house for the weekend, he would end up moving in with another family.  (By the way, I know that the State is doing the best that they can, but sometimes I become so angry at the damage they do to children by moving them around so much!   ARGGGGHHH!!)

So, needless to say, my big plans to get my house out of the state of disaster it has been in (ever since my parents left…boy, do I miss their help!) did not happen today.  Oh well.  If that’s “all” I get done today, it will have been a day well lived.  One little boy got closer to healing today.  And that feels good.

Oh, and I also dealt with a very angry daughter, who can’t go to the Boys and Girls Club, due to some poor choices while she was there the last time.  So, overall it was a very productive day.  Now if only they could create self-washing dishes, I’d be doing great!

Our kids have come a long way in their responses to us coming home.  It used to be, when we’d go anywhere without them for any length of time, they would work very hard to pay us (and by “us” I mean me) back for “abandoning” them.  One weekend away would equal two weeks of payback.  Jabs galore, along with glares, acting out, and all sorts of “fun” always came after a relaxing time away from the kids.  In the beginning, it never seemed worth the time away.  I would literally get a knot in my stomach the closer to town we got because I knew we’d be picking up the kids and the punishment would begin.  Now, we still get some of the same responses from the kids….not as bad, but still some attempts to jab and make us pay for leaving them.  I’ve just gotten used to it – somewhat.

It may sound crazy that a grown woman, who is emotionally stable, confident, and capable, would be so tied up in knots about emotional barbs coming from three little children.  You would think it would be easy to brush their words and looks off and recognize that the kids throw out the barbs because of their own pain and fear of rejection.  I know this.  Sometimes it helps.  Sometimes I do well with the constant put-downs from them because I know that the kids are just hurting and it’s a defense mechanism for them.  I get it.  But sometimes I just get tired of the put-downs and jabs because they just keep coming.  After a while, you feel a bit beat up.  This weekend was one of those times when the few little put downs I got (in comparison to what it used to be like) were really hard to brush off.  Part of it was because I’d just come off of a busy week and part of it was because the weekend had been somewhat stressful with the car breaking down and my husband having to work part of the weekend.  But, after picking up the kids and having them say, in their surliest voices, things like “WE had FUN this weekend” (AKA:  ”WE had FUN without YOU”),  I found myself later on that day crying my eyes to my sis-in-law and mom-in-law.  (My husband’s response to the kids at the time of the “attack” was, “Hmm….you wanna just take a knife and stab mom in the back instead?”  He also made them come up with a few more jabs, so they’d have more practice coming up with good ones.  You know…we like for our kids to be good at whatever they do.  We’re just looking out for their best interest.)

Something about what abused kids go through makes them experts at finding your weak spots.  They can spot them a mile away, and they go for the jugular over and over again.  You get annoyed with senseless questions and noise?  That’s exactly what they’ll do.  Your feelings get hurt when they make it clear you are NOT a good mom and can NOT take care of them…they will work hard to push that button more times than you’d ever care to have it pushed.  Feel insecure about your weight?  They will hit that button over and over.  They are master manipulators, and they work hard to push you away at any cost.  And, unless you are completely a robot, it is next to impossible to always stay strong and not let their tactics get to you.

I get many different responses from people when I try to explain what it’s like living with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  One of my favorite comebacks is, “But they’re JUST kids,” as if them being children should make it so that you don’t get your feelings hurt or get bothered by their antics.  True.  They are “just kids.”  But not the cherubs most people picture, and certainly not the cherub that the children present to the world outside.  What these children have been through has taken away their innocence,  and what we normally associate with children.  They have been wounded, hardened.  And their thinking is completely a dog-eat-dog world way of looking at things.

Encourage a mom of a RAD child.  She’s getting emotionally beat up (and sometimes physically).  She may not have the bruises to prove it, but she’s certainly getting the jabs.

I have been wanting to get a lap dog for over a year now.  Mind you, we already own a Newfoundland dog who would LOVE to be a lap dog (all 135 pounds of him!), but he’s just way too hard to cuddle with – and he’s so large that he smells, even after a bath.  I have never really liked little dogs, but for the last year that hasn’t really mattered to me.  I have just wanted to have a lap dog.  REALLY bad.

Knowing how much extra work another dog would be, I have still begged my husband to consider getting a lap dog.  I used my best puppy dog eyes, but if I was honest with myself up until recently our circumstances really wouldn’t have made it a wise decision.  And, quite honestly, I was not even sure at first completely why I wanted one.  I just knew that I did.  I knew how much I loved going to my sister-in-laws’ house and cuddling with her two lap dogs.  Something about it felt soothing.

Last week, on an ordinary trip to Walmart, I passed a woman sitting outside on the grass with a litter of Chihuahua/Shih Tzu pups.  My mom was with me, shaking her head the entire time the kids and I pet the puppies and ooo’d and aaahhh’d over them.  It was love at first sight, however I refrained myself from running to an ATM machine right that instant.  It took great restraint, but I somehow managed to pull myself away from the puppies!

On the way home, though, I honestly prayed about a puppy.  I told God, “I really want a puppy, but I don’t even know if my kids are ready for us to have one.  I’m going to trust You with that decision.”  I came home, told my husband about how close I came to getting a puppy, and went on with my day.  A few hours later, my absolutely amazing husband walked in and surprised me with one of the very puppies I had just fallen in love with.  He had been on his way to Walmart to pick up something completely different when he felt as if God was telling him to get the puppy for me.  I love it how God knows exactly what we need and meets those needs without us even having to make it happen.

I have absolutely loved having this dog.  Despite the fact that all three of my kids either want to kill me or the dog out of jealousy, it has been worth it to have the dog sitting on my lap in the evening while I’m watching tv with my husband and kissing my face.  (By the way, my daughter wants to kill me with a fork…I told her she might want to come up with a better plan.  My son’s plan is to starve the puppy by interfering with his feeding times.  My other son just last night admitted that he wanted to kill the puppy, but up until now has been stealing the dog’s toys or hiding them on purpose.  I’m going to have to keep a close eye on this little guy.)  

I’m also realizing that my desire for a puppy really has had nothing to do with the dog itself.  And here is where the pathetic part comes in…

For over a year, I have found myself absolutely craving having some living thing that loves me unconditionally.  Ok….yes, I admit.  I’m completely pathetic!!  And – get this – I don’t even care how much work it adds to my load!  Really.  I just think I have the need for something I relate to on a daily basis to actually give the normal response.  You know…. if I show the dog love, it responds with love in return.  I pet it or feed it, and it responds by wagging its tail or giving me kisses on the cheek.  I don’t even care if it poops in the house, because I know that it’s not doing that  just because I made it do a chore.  The dog’s accidents are just that…accidents.  Not extremely calculated and thought out plots to pay me back for anything.  Just normal responses.

Because of the puppy, I have been more aware of my need for lots of positive input.  I was telling a friend last night about the puppy and I began to think about my recent responses to simple signs of affection or even expected courtesy.  When I have been with my kids too long without breaks, even normal kindness from a cashier feels foreign to me.  I can almost feel the tears coming to my eyes after someone smiles at me and says, “hello.”  Again, it makes me feel like I’m pathetic.  But in all honesty, when you deal with anger, rage, jealousy, and hurt day in and day out, you sometimes forget that there’s a world out there where that isn’t the norm.  Sometimes I feel like I one of my kids.       

Ok….I’d better go.  I want to play with my puppy a little bit before I go to bed.  And, by the way…his name is Sport.