Perhaps the biggest reason I haven’t been blogging, however, comes down to one thing.  I feel extremely compelled to write a book.  It seems strange to even say it, because I have never aspired to be a writer.  I simply feel that God is asking me to write something for mothers of wounded kids, because there is nothing out there just for them.  When I was struggling the most, I searched high and low for something that would help me make sense of all of the emotions and issues I had to deal with on an ongoing basis.  I found nothing.  Sure, there were lots of books out there on techniques to use in parenting the wounded child, but there wasn’t anything that I could find to help me understand what I was going through.  I never want any mom out there to feel as alone as I did then.  So, in my “spare” time, I am working on a collection of thoughts and processes that I have gone through in trying to understand my own reactions to wounded kids and the daily abuse that they give out.  I want to share my own feelings and issues I have faced in parenting my kids, so that others will know that they are not alone.  I am working on collecting stories from our experience, as well as the experiences of others.  I am collecting wisdom from our own learning curve in the middle of being in the trenches, as well as the wisdom I have gained from others.  Through this book, I hope to help moms in the trenches understand their situation better and find hope to stay in the battle.

I also hope to help those outside of the trenches to understand the mother of a child with RAD much better.  Because I found myself in an unusual situation in life, I have found myself doing a lot of educating of friends and family to help them understand my situation, reactions, feelings, and struggles.  This takes a lot of time and energy, which, when parenting wounded kids, can be sparce at best.  I want to provide a resource to other families, so that they can help their family members and close friends understand what they are going through.

Here is where you come in.  I would love to include stories from other families, as well as the insight and wisdom you have gained on how to make it through these murky waters called parenting wounded kids.  I’d also love it if others wanted to submit blog posts, so that we can continue to make this website a place where we can help encourage one another and to know we are not alone.  Either way, I would love for you to write and submit your stories, feelings, insights, so that all of the amazing moms out there in the trenches can know that they are not alone.  I want this book to be a place where honesty and openness help to bridge the gap and show us we are more alike than we realize and that what we feel and experience in these situations is normal.  

Also, Lynn is working on getting an entire blog system set up for anyone interested.  You will be able to post your blogs in a way that makes them as public or as private as you’d like, meaning that you could post your blog entries for anyone to see, or for only family and friends of your choosing to see.  It will be like an online support group, where we can all post how our days are going and be able to encourage one another and pray for one another.  I’m extremely excited about this addition.  Look for information about it sometime this summer!

I have been doing a bit of research on the effects of writing on healing, and research shows that simply the act of writing out our deepest feelings, secrets, and circumstances can bring amazing results in terms of our own emotional and physical health.  I firmly believe that this project could be extremely therapeutic to all of us, as well as helpful to those who read it.

I want to inspire you to share your story.  The joys.  The sorrows.  The lessons learned in the midst of it all.  You have a story to be heard, and countless others can benefit from sharing it.  Even if it’s just a story about one incident, a small victory, or a big defeat.  What is your biggest struggle in parenting a wounded child?  What has been your biggest roadblock, or perspective change that had to happen in order to be able to love your child unconditionally?  What have you done to help yourself stay sane in the middle of complete insanity?  What are your secret fears in being a mom to a wounded child?  What are your dreams and hopes?  Your struggles?

Let’s continue to provide a place where our openness and honesty can help others know they are not alone, as well as to help others understand what we go through in our attempt to help wounded children heal.

Something our therapist told me really stuck out.  She said, point blank, “You are getting way too predictable.”  Bottom line – I NEED to mix it up more!  I know this relates to my post yesterday, but it is such an important point that I want to look at this in a slightly different angle.

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder will sabotage and try to ruin any good thing when they know it’s coming.  They will also work hard to get into trouble if that happens every time they mess up.  Again….parenting these kids does not follow the normal, or typical, parenting techniques.  Sometimes when our child acts up, we need to send them to their room.  Sometimes they need a “time-in,” where they sit right by your side the whole time.  Sometimes they need to do chores to pay back for the family energy they’ve taken.  And sometimes, we just need to pull them into our arms and say, “Wow!  You are having a rough day.  You must really need my love today!”  

This becomes tiring, because we must stay ahead of the child.  I feel as though I am constantly making decisions as to the best way to handle a given situation.  Doing the “time out” thing every time becomes easy.  And, in “normal” parenting, it can be very effective to do things consistently.  With our children, we have to be full of surprises, so that they don’t know what’s coming.  According to our therapist, sometimes we have to act more crazy than them!  These kids find it much harder to know how to tick you off when they can’t seem to get the same response from you every time.  Wounded kids don’t know what to do with it.

When I’m on top of my game, I can work hard to come across just as insane as they are.  And, trust me, it really does help!  A senseless question can be met with uproarious laughter or a smirk and a quick hug.  Non-stop chatter can be met with making more noise and being louder than what they are doing.  A temper tantrum can be met with an even bigger one coming from the place they least expect it….mom.  (Try to imagine yourself throwing a big one on the floor…with your child, who has now stopped their temper tantrum, looking at you -completely wide-eyed!  Try it…it might actually feel pretty good to get out all of those feelings you have pent up inside!)  These unexpected responses keep them out of equilibrium and don’t allow them the opportunity to create as much chaos.  The crazier their behavior becomes, the more unexpected your response can be!  They do the behaviors, hoping to push you away.  When that doesn’t happen, they are thrown off.

So, I guess as crazy as I feel sometimes, I am just not being crazy enough.  So, here’s the word for today: Planned insanity!  Try it.  You may like it!

One thing she said really stuck out to me.  She said, “Sometimes it’s so easy to focus so much on the labels that we forget that these are just kids underneath all of those issues.”  So true.  So many times, we look at our children through the filters of Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Autism, Bi-Polar, etc, that we forget that underneath it all there’s a child.  Granted…..a hurting, scared, angry child, but a child nonetheless.

I am praying God to give me His perspective on my kids this week.  One of those perspectives, I’m sure, has to be…this is a child.  A precious child whom God loves.  Underneath all of the anger, hurt, and awful, mean, ugly behaviors….there’s a kid down there.  Wanting, but not knowing how, to get out and play.  Too scared to.  Too traumatized.  But wanting to.

So often we forget that.  And, I think that because the behaviors usually don’t match up with the age, we assume that they are just working hard to be manipulative.  Many times, when I talk with moms of very young children, the similarities of behaviors and thought processes will be uncanny.  Because of the abuse and neglect, most of our kids emotionally are very young.  While it’s hard to remember, I’m trying to picture a little three year old sitting there in the car, asking me a question he already knows the answer to simply because he did not get his way earlier.  Not easy to do in the heat of the moment, but sometimes it helps shape my response.

The moms who do well with wounded children have developed ways of thinking that don’t follow the norm.  They see beyond what presents itself to the deeper reality.  They see beyond the annoying behaviors, to the red flags begging for help.  They have learned not to take the bizarre behaviors personally, and know that the better they do at their job the more those behaviors may come out for a while.  I want to be that mom.  I know I’m not there yet.  I keep letting myself get to this place of exhaustion, getting completely annoyed with the ongoing jabs and purposeful behavior.  I find myself in need of new perspective.  Don’t we all!?

Since this was their first time, Shelly took them on the tour of the ranch and introduced them to the animals (including the chicken who thinks she’s a puppy and will let you pet and hold her).  Then, she taught them how to lead the horse, and they were able to groom two of them as well.  They had a blast!  By the time we returned, though I was exhausted.  So, after getting everyone settled in back home, my husband took over and I took a nap.  

Shortly after the beginning of my nap, one of my kids’ old habits began. My kids have tended to freak out when I’m in my room and not out with them (at all moments, mind you).  In the past, it was much more obvious.  While today the behaviors were not quite as obvious, they were still reminiscent of the old habit.  It used to be that, as soon as I was back in my room for a nap or just to have some time to myself (with my husband out there with them, of course), they’d be perfectly quiet out in the living room, going down the hallway, and then again when they were in their room.  Where they weren’t quiet?  You guessed it.  Right in front of my room!  They’d walk from the living room and down the hallway, completely quiet as a mouse, and then right in front of my room they’d suddenly remember some completley random question that they “needed” to shout out to one of their siblings at that exact moment.  So, they would yell out that silly question, making sure they made enough noise to wake me up, and then proceed quietly to their room.  This scenario would repeat itself more and more the longer I was in my room.  When asked about their behavior, they’d make it clear that they felt that I should be out with them, and they wanted to try to make me wake up and come out (again, the “how DARE you do something for yourself or that isn’t directly for ME!” attitude so common with RAD kids).  While my kids still have that attitude, they have learned to curb their behavior quite a bit in the last two years (dad having them make it up to mom every time they performed those little tricks has helped this greatly!).  

It sometimes still annoys me to think that my kids honestly feel that I should be at their beck and call at every blessed moment of the day.  Dad can be gone…that’s ok.  But mom – if MOM isn’t there, then she has completely abandoned them!!  At times, I struggle with being angry at my children for this completely unrealistic expectation.  Other times I understand where it comes from and I’m better able to shrug it off.  I go between the two attitudes.  I wish I could say that it doesn’t bother me still after two years, but sometimes the fact that it has been that long causes me to wonder just how much longer it will take for this to go away.  I think, though, that this self-centered way of viewing the world will probably be there for a long time to come.  I just need to figure out a way to handle it better without them changing!  Maybe I just need to reread the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, so that I remember what to do with people who step over my boundaries!  Even if it is a little kid!  :)

Regardless of where they are at in this journey, I find one thing to be completely obvious.  These moms love their kids.  Whether they’ve just started out or have been doing this for years, they love their kids.  Whether they are feeling burnt out or completely rejuvenated, they are doing an amazing job…and love their kids!

Did I mention that they love their kids?  Do they get burnt out?  YES!  Do they tire of dealing with attrotious behavior?  YES, YES!  Do they always know the right thing to do?  Nope.  But, these amazing moms, through exhaustion and emotional fatigue, push through to figure out the answers!  They get up, every day, and keep on keeping on.  And that, in itself, makes you a hero. 

And, just so you amazing moms know….I admire all of you so much.  You have put up with more than what is humanly possible, and they keep loving.  Even when you feel like you hate your child.  It’s not the child that you hate….it’s the incredibly awful behaviors that are exhausting you.

Remember, moms….You may not always like your child’s behavior.  Who would?  But, you absolutely would give your life for them.  In fact, you do so right now, day in and day out, in the little things you do, despite how you feel.  You give your life for them every day.  And you deserve way more applause than you ever will receive in this lifetime.  Thumbs up to you!!!  Know that the angels in heaven applaud you, every day, as you’re dealing with a mountain of laundry because your child once again peed in his clothing on purpose.  They cheer you on as you deal with the dumb questions, constant chatter, glares, “I hate you’s,” stealing, lying, and neediness.  I know that sometimes you don’t feel like what you do makes that much difference (mostly because the change comes so slowly).  I know there are times you want to throw in the towel and take the next bus out of town!  I know sometimes you feel exhausted, beat down, alone, afraid, and like no one out there cares or understands.  I know.  I’ve been there, too.  

But God sees what you do, day in and day out.  He sees the heartache you feel in your heart.  He sees the aprehension and the wondering if this child will really be able to “make it” as they get older.  He sees all of that.  And He hasn’t abandoned you.  You are not alone.  And He sees you as AN AMAZING MOM!  Despite your discouragement and fatigue.  He knows.

Please don’t let the messages from your children (or other people, for that matter) tell you otherwise.  You know…the constant messages you get saying, “You can’t take care of me.” or “You don’t love me.”  or “You don’t ever do enough for me (or give me enough – attention, love, hugs, stuff, etc.).”  You are amazing.  You are the one for the job.  A tough job…undoubtedly.  But one you were created for and can do like no one else can do.  Not many people would be able to fill your shoes.  Most wouldn’t last a day.  But, you have lasted this long.  Your child still lives, right?  You haven’t yet dropped him along side of the highway for him to fend for himself yet, right?  That’s a huge accomplishment!!  :)  Give yourself a pat on the back!!!!  And, you take it one step further.  You actually do good things for this child who repays you by spitting in your face emotionally (or perhaps physically from time to time).  You keep plugging along.

I’d also like to remind you that you are not doing what you are doing for this child.  Yes, we want them to heal.  Yes, we do lots of stuff for this child every day.  But, ultimately, it can’t be for this child that we work.  Otherwise, our love will fail and grow weak.  No….our work must be for the One Who loves us, Who saved us, and Who every day gives us the grace to go another moment.  His love – endless.  His grace – ours for the taking.  It can’t be on our own or for our kids we work.  It must be for Him and in His strength alone that we do this work.

May all of you awesome moms (especially those of you who don’t feel so awesome right now) have a blessed day!  (And, usually when you don’t feel very awesome, it’s because you are dealing with way more than one person should have to.)  I pray for others to come along side of you and encourage you right now in the middle of your struggle and pain.  May God’s love come down and remind you that God loves YOU…not just your child.

First of all, sometimes I feel like there must be more that I could be doing to help them.  While I think, no matter what, it is always possible to do more, with wounded children it doesn’t really depend on how much or how little the mom does.  Whether or not they heal has a large part to do with their choice to want to heal.  But I still always feel guilty that I’m  not doing enough.

The other way I get burnt out is that I begin to get angry with how much they are missing out.  I want for them to be doing well.  I want a good life for them.  Yet, I get frustrated because, regardless of the consequences they receive, they continue making poor choices over and over and over again.  I want fun, laughter, hope, love….you know.  The best in life.  I want for them to rise above the abuse they’ve endured.  Most of the time, I want it way more than they do, and that makes me sad.  And angry.  And frustrated.

And sometimes, when I am wanting so much more for them…I find myself connecting too much to them.  Let me explain.  When giving a consequence to a wounded child, the best way to do it is with empathy.  ”Wow…I am really bummed for you that you have to do this.”  But, when my compassion passes over a line, I get way too emotionally involved.  I don’t want to have to give this consequence.  I see how much they are messing up their own lives.  And, I find myself getting angry instead of showing empathy, just because I really want for them to stop doing whatever it is they are doing, so they can have good things.  My compassion in wanting the good thing way more than they do causes me to loose perspective and cut off their learning opportunity.  I become angry, and that’s all they see.  They don’t learn from their mistake…they just blame me because I got angry.

Even when I am in the middle of feeling so completely burnt out by my kids’ behavior that I don’t even want to see their smiling faces (let alone their angry ones), I have to remind myself of one thing.  It is not my children that I dislike.  I love them very much, and I want the best for them.  No….it is their behavior and choices that I absolutely despise.  And I despise their behavior because of the damage I see it doing to them.  I hate how much they miss out in life.

While I would absolutely LOVE being able to teach my kids the fun stuff in parenting (like how to be a good friend and what their strengths and talents are).  I’d love to be cheering them on at Little League, going to their soccer games, and, well….you know.  The fun, healthy, normal kid stuff that we enjoy seeing our kids excel at.  Instead, I’m cheering them on with, “Good job talking about how much you hate me in your feelings journal!  Way to be honest!!”  ”I love it how you talked about your feelings, instead of acting them out!”  or “Good job not stealing today!  Way to go!”

I know that my kids did not cause the damage done to their brains through neglect, abuse, and abandonment; however, they are the ones who must deal with the consequences.  (Along with my husband and I).  I just hope that they can process through their abuse in time to lead healthy, successful lives.  And, maybe that looks different for wounded kids.  Either way, I have to in some ways distance myself from their behavior and consequences.  I have to understand that I did NOT do this to them and that there’s only so much I can do to help them.  The rest is up to them.  And, I have to keep my heart in check and realize that keeping this boundary in place helps me to be a better parent to this wounded child.  I feel badly that they keep missing out; however, I cannot make them choose what is good for them.  And that’s ok.

I think part of it simply is because I had a break…and it felt good.  My husband and I went camping alone for the weekend, and I really relaxed.  No children screaming for my attention.  No pee shrines.  Only us – out in nature (and, his mom’s camping trailer, where we actually watched some movies, too).  Sometimes after a break I find it hard to go back into the mess.  It’s nice not to have to conduct multiple “therapy sessions” per day per child.  It’s nice for a while not to have to deal with all of their insecurities and fears.  But, then the break concludes, and I must go back into the muck.  And, the muck tends to be worse after we have had a break….my children’s anger over being “abandoned” for the weekend makes me uncertain of what kind of reception I will come home to.

Part of my breakdown also stems from earlier this week.  I felt very overwhelmed in therapy, and I think it took me a while to even realize it.  Not really prepared for even one intense session, and I got two of them (and then a third child who completely shut down and refused to talk altogether).  And they things the two shared were doozies.  Found out more than I ever wanted to know about my kids, what they are doing, how they think, and what they want to do.  You know….one of those sessions.  One where you walk out going, “Hmmmm…not sure what to do with that one.”  One that you feel the need to get a therapist for YOU afterwards, just to figure out how to process through all of the junk you just heard.

I find myself a little grossed out right now by my kids’ behavior and thought processes.  Normally I can take it, but it has just been a little too much too often lately.  Perhaps because they are just sharing more now, because of where things are at in therapy.  Either way, I find myself not quite sure how to continue giving them unconditional love right now.  I want space.  I don’t want to deal with sexual issues, bodily function issues, wanting to kill my new puppy, a constant need for supervision and a constant desire for attention.  It’s all a bit much for me right now.  I’m starting to feel burnt out…not as much as I was before, but I guess just burnt out on dealing with extreme issues.  I wish that part was over.  When do we get to the fun stuff?  Will we ever?

Today I found myself trying to figure out how to handle it all, when I was reminded of some old lessons I’ve learned while chatting with a friend today.  Something I’ve learned before but keep forgetting.  She asked me how I got out of my extreme funk last year, when I was completely and utterly burnt out.  I told her that I pretty much ended up sending my kids to the day camp at the Boys and Girls Club almost every day, thinking that would help.  Then, ONE week before school started, I realized, “Shoot!  I only have one more week of this extended schedule with a few more hours away from my kids.  Then school starts and it’s back to the normal schedule.”  I realized I wasn’t ready for it, and I also realized that I needed to do something drastic to change that.  So, what did I do?  I spent the entire week on me.  The entire time that the kids were at day camp, I went out with friends, listened to music, read books, sipped coffee.  Took life easy and took extreme care of myself.  And, after only one week, my husband declared he’d seen an entire 180 degree turnaround.  I went from complete burnout, where I didn’t even want to look at my kids, to being able to give and love again.  It was that obvious and that fast.  

So, what did I learn from that experience?  (And, what is it that I keep forgetting?)  I MUST take care of myself.  If I don’t, I will not be able to parent my children in the way I need to.  They need extreme measures of love, forgiveness, mercy, healing, and nurture.  I must give myself extreme measures of those same things in order to give them what they need.  And, frequently…I don’t.

Sometimes I don’t care for myself the way I need to, because, quite honestly, it feels selfish.  I look around.  I have several stacks of paperwork that needs to be done, mostly for my kids.  I have a master bathroom half done that needs for me to paint it in order to get it fully working (which, by the way, will be so wonderful…I won’t have to bring my toiletries back and forth from our only bathroom – just like I did in college – so that nothing gets peed in or stolen!  Yah!).  I have calls to make.  I have schedules to get ready for the summer.  I have so many things to do.  However, if I don’t take care of the one commodity that can help my kids heal – me – I won’t be accomplishing much, no matter how much of that I get done.  

But, too often, I let guilt get in the way of what I really need to do.  Guilt that my husband is working hard to provide for our family.  How dare I give myself a pedicure while he’s away at work?

We MUST take time to stop and smell the roses.  Sometimes, after smelling so much urine and poop for so long, we start to forget that roses are even out there.  We have to do those things that keep us connected to the beautiful side of humanity, rather than the utter depravity we experience every day.  We must connect with God.  Listen to music.  Watch a breathtaking view.  Stop and talk to a friend.  Read a book.  Whatever it is that fills you up.  Make sure you do something today that fills YOU up.  After all, junior can stay in his room for 30 minutes while mom unwinds.  It’s OK.

We as moms (and dads) of wounded kids MUST take extreme measures to take care of ourselves, so that we can help our kids heal.  That may mean using more of our budget to do things that to the outside world look like frivolous things, then we must.  For families with wounded kids….they “frivolous” things are absolutely necessary for survival.  So, don’t feel guilty if you NEED to get a massage every week or a manicure.  That sounds selfish and silly, but…it is NOT.  Take good care of yourself.  These kiddos needs for you to help them heal.  And, without you (and without you being sane and refreshed)….that won’t happen.

And, for those of you who know someone parenting a wounded kiddo….give her (or him) understanding when she needs to pamper herself a little more than the average person.  Perhaps you can even facilitate some pampering for her….