Jennie and I talk after every session about what the kids have shared so I was a little baffled when all the kids were afraid to share anything with me in the room. Each of them had to go through the process of telling me the stuff about what had happened to them, and some of the bad things they had done, so that they could hear me say that I still loved them.

It is so wild to me that they would think that I didn’t know those things about them, but there was real value in them telling me so I could assure them that I still loved them, despite their baggage and behaviors. The longer I am an adoptive dad, the more I understand just how many parallels there are to God’s adoption of me. Love, forgiveness, and confession make a lot more sense seeing them from a Dad’s perspective.

During one of the sessions, my son looked up at me and told me, “You hate me….you just don’t want to deal with me.”  My response?  ”Really?  You think I’d drive 2 1/2 hours away, go through this long of a therapy session with you, and drive back if I didn’t love you or want to deal with you?  Trust me…this is the last thing I’d be doing if I didn’t love you!”  The therapist also reminded him that he was sitting in my lap at the moment of this declaration.

I have found that this faulty way of thinking permeates everything wounded kids do.  They come into your home thinking that they are not loved.  Their past has taught them this very well.  No matter what you do, they are trying to prove that this is the case, simply because it’s what they already believe.  And they work hard to prove that you don’t love them.

I have had a child look at me, ask me a question for which they knew the answer would be “no,” and then, once they get that expected answer, walk off dejected.  You can almost hear in their demeanor…”See.  I knew she didn’t love me.”  (They also do this when they’re just mad at you for breathing and they want to find some legitimate thing to be mad at you for…I tell my kids that they are welcome to be mad at me for no reason.  They don’t even have to work that hard to come up with a one!  Just be mad!)

Sometimes, when I am helping my children deal with this whole anger/you-hate-me issue, part of me is thinking, “Are you serious?  Really?”  Children with RAD have so much rage and anger that they pretty much get mad at anything and everything.  And everything you do is reason for them to believe that you do not love them.  You went for a walk = You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  You went out for coffee with a friend = You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  You answered the phone = You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  You made me do a chore = (you guessed it) You hate me and now I’m angry with you.  I find that it almost becomes comical at times the types of things that these children become angry with.  I’ve discovered that pretty much any and everything I do makes my children mad.  I’m evidently really good at it.  It’s a talent I never knew I had before having children in my home with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

This used to bother me so much.  No matter what I did, my children got angry and assumed that I didn’t love them.  And I used to get frustrated with the daily need for the question, “Ok…so what are you mad about?  Use your words!”  Now I just figure that I WILL be making my children mad throughout the day.  And, no matter what, they WILL assume I don’t love them.  I might as well just go about my day and have fun, knowing that they are going to be angry and hurt no matter what.  I can’t control what they get angry and hurt about.  They came to me that way.  All I can do is love them anyway.  And sometimes now I even decide that I might as well even make their anger fun for me.  (It’s sick, I know.  But, when you’re dealing with it day in and day out, you find sick and twisted ways of coping.)

On this particular day, when my child told me that he thought I hated him, I said, “You know what?  That makes me really angry!  If I have company over, you think I hate you.  When I get ready in the morning instead of pay non-stop attention to you…you think I hate you.  I do ANYTHING and you think I hate you.  You have made it completely impossible for me to love you according to your standards.  You have this huge list of things that I must do in order for you to feel loved, and no one would be able to live up to your standards.   And, quite honestly it’s only because you want to keep my love at a distance.  It’s not fair.”

I don’t know if any of my words got through.  But they needed to be said.  I DO love my children – very much.  Quite honestly, if I didn’t I would have left them on the doorstep of some unsuspecting person – or along the highway on the way to therapy – a long time ago.  Just the fact that they are still in my house and are still living is a huge monument to my love for them.  Not to mention the healthy meals I prepare for them, the countless hours I spend trying to find programs to help them heal, the fun activities I plan for them.  One day, I pray that my love will be able to seep into their hearts.  One day.

Mommy shopping.  One of the joys of parenting wounded children.  For these kids, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the the other side.  That’s the way all of us think from time to time, but for these kids this way of thinking becomes a way of life.  No matter who they live with, they are always looking for someone better.

“What is mommy shopping?” you ask.  Basically, when a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder has fun with anyone besides mom, they tend to begin fantasizing about what it would be like if that person was their mom.  And….usually their current mom doesn’t stack up against their fantasy about what it would be like to live with this other person.  Their adoptive mom could be the most amazing person on the planet.  It just doesn’t matter.  It’s more about defense mechanisms and faulty thinking than reality.  Another way to keep their family at a distance when they start to get too close. 

When I’ve asked my kids to finish the sentence “If ______was my mom….” they usually finish it with ideas like, “….I wouldn’t ever have to do chores,” or “…they wouldn’t make me clean my room,” or “….they would give me way more attention than you do.”  Their fantasies have no grounding in reality.  They just haven’t had enough of an understanding of how things work in families.  They don’t get the fact that every family has issues.  Every family member must work in some way.  Every mom and dad must pay bills.  Moms and dads simply cannot give every waking moment to dote over their child.  No family would be good enough, let alone “perfect” by their standards.

When my daughter first lived with us, anywhere I took her she would try to leave me and go talk to any and every female in the room.  I’d take her swimming to have fun…she’d be over in the hot tub trying to get the attention of some unsuspecting woman.  Even after a year of living with us, I took her out to eat to have some fun, one-on-one mother-daughter time.  She spent the entire time watching a young family with complete yearning in her eyes.  Wouldn’t even look at me.  Wouldn’t talk to me.  I finally told her, “My darling daughter.  You look at that family with longing, as if your life would be complete if you could just be a part of THAT family.  Yet, you have a family right here who loves you that you completely push us away.  It wouldn’t matter what family you were in….you would never be content.  And you won’t be content, until you start allowing love to come in without trying to find it in every place you can’t get it from.” 

It takes a while to get rid of “mommy shopping.”  And it seems to pop up from time to time, as well.  This past Christmas break, after 2 years of living with us, my daughter went with a friend and her mom twice to do something fun.  When she came back from the second  time, she was beside herself wailing.  It took me two hours to calm her down.  When she started to be honest with what was going on, I (once again) had her finish the sentence.  ”If _____ were my mom….”  Her finish to the sentence?  ”….she would take me shopping every day.”  She honestly thought that because this family went shopping the two times she she was with them, that they did it EVERY single day.  Three year old thinking in a 12 year old body.

My daughter just spent last weekend with grandma, as well as some time with her aunt.  She had a blast, as she should with her extended family.  It was a fun weekend.  We set it up to be that way.  But, a week after picking her up, I could tell that all was not well.  I could tell that she had been doing some subtle “mommy shopping.”  Luckily, she has an amazing grandma and aunt, who, once they knew what she was thinking, were able to dispel the false thinking and explain that things would be the same if she lived with them (yes, she WOULD have to do chores and NO they would NOT take her shopping every day).  They both reinforced how much I love her and how good of a mom she already has.  That really helped.  Besides that, I made it clear that I will be her mom for the rest of her life.  Even if she found someone she liked better than me, she’s stuck with me….like it or not.  

Wounded children live with many fallacies in their thinking.  This is why they so difficult to parent and why therapy can be such an amazing help in their healing process.  This whole “the grass is always greener” way of thinking can mess with them so many times.  Part of our job is to help them get past this illogical way of thinking and living.  And, as hard as it is, don’t take the “mommy shopping” personally.  You could be June Cleaver and this child would be looking elsewhere.  It takes time.  A long time.  Don’t give up, and know that you are not doing something wrong when they start to do this.  It probably means you’re doing something right….you’re getting closer to their heart.

Immediately after arriving home (even though it’s a Friday, and that’s supposed to be more of a fun night), I had the kids get snack and then had them march back to their rooms, feelings journal in hand.

For those of you who don’t know what a feelings journal is….basically for us it is this: a regular, spiral notepad where I have them write down their feelings.  Sometimes I give them free reign and let them express whatever they want to.  Other times, I give them direction of how I want them to write.  For example, some times, I may have them write about why they are mad at me.  However, my kids would love to treat everything as if it really was all about things that I did.  So, I try to get them past that to acknowledge ways they are mad at other people, such as daddy, their teachers, the attachment therapist, birth parents, etc.  I also try to get them to look past the whole anger thing, because usually anger is a cover-up emotion for another emotion, such as sadness and hurt.  So, sometimes I have them write about why they are feeling afraid, sad or lonely.  Other times, I have them write about why they find it so hard to truly be happy.

I have found the feelings journal to be quite helpful.  My kids hate it.  But, I have observed that if they’ve gone more than a week without writing in it, I see the difference in their behavior.  Their anger comes out more and more.  They leak it everywhere in unacceptable behavior, unless they have the opportunity to get their feelings out in an acceptable way.  (And, even then we still get unacceptable behavior, but not to the same extent.)

I have even found the THREAT of the feelings journal has been a useful tool.  “Oh, sweetie.  Your behavior is telling me that you have a lot of angry/sad, etc. feelings to get out.  You can let me know that you really need to write in your feelings journal by continuing this behavior.”  Sometimes, that alone stops them in their tracks!  I get the look of sheer horror, along with a very enthusiastic, “NOPE!  I think I’m ok now, mom!”

When you’ve gone through as much abuse as my kids have, you are bound to feel angry.  Given the circumstances, this emotion is quite normal.  In fact, I would be concerned about them if they were NOT angry.  I am angry for them!  When they do not have the opportunity to get those emotions out, however, those emotions can and WILL seep out in unacceptable behaviors, both subtly and blatantly.  I have found that a combination of a good therapist (one who actually recognizes when the child is sharing just enough to stay unhealthy and not really getting to the core issues and being honest), time directly telling me and my husband how they are feeling (even though this is difficult for them, especially at first), and a feelings journal really help them to get these emotions out.

So many emotions, so little time! 

The issues my kids are dealing with very difficult issues.  Just hearing what happened to them makes me want to go hire my own therapist for the day after their therapy sessions, just so I can process it for myself.  I can’t even imagine having actually gone through those things.  It doesn’t seem fair that these young children should have had to go through the things they have.  It makes me want to whoop some….well, you know.

I tell my kids frequently that it really stinks that they have to deal with the things that they went through.  But….I tell them that it’s kind of like a hit and run accident.  You’re driving down the road, minding your own business, when someone smashes into your car and drives off.  Was it your fault that your car got smashed?  Nope.  But, do you have to be the one who gets it fixed?  Unfortunately, yes.  It would be wonderful if everyone took ownership of their behavior and was responsible for the mess they have made in someone else’s life.  That’s just now how life turns out, though.  We sometimes have to fix things that other people break.  Not fair.  Not right.  But that is part of life.

Some therapy days, I come back, tired as usual, but not feeling like we made huge strides.  Other times, you feel like a child has just unloaded the biggest secret they’ve ever shared with anyone up until that point.  The one they’ve held onto all this time.  The secret that has kept them in their pain.  Yesterday was one of those days.

I was so proud of one of my kiddos.  Yesterday my daughter dealt with issues that would be hard for an adult to deal with.  It took courage and bravery.  Afterward, you could see the big grin across her face, and I swear she was pounds lighter walking out of that session.  Yesterday was a reminder to me.  “Oh yea.  This is why I do what I do.”  Now, really I do what I do for one reason, and that is because God had called me to parent three wounded kids.  Aside from that, though, I get the added bonus of watching these kids heal and move past the horror of what they’ve been through.  Today was one of those days that made all of the difficulty we’ve gone through for the past month seem like nothing.  It was a victory.  As I looked into her face, I saw hope, relief, and a glimpse of freedom.  It was a good day.